I am not an overly irrational person (most of the time), but tonight I had one of those moments.
We had the best week ever. It was our first “family adventure” in our new normal. All six of us spent the week together without interruption. Every second of every day was spent together… and we all survived and we all had a BLAST!
Admittedly, I was prepared for the worst. I just assumed since it was the first time we would all be together for that length of time that for sure someone would get on someone’s nerves, someone would offend someone else or there would just be some sort of falling out just from being together too long. Thankfully that was not the case.
When we got home today – after spending the last six and a half days together around the clock – the girls ran up to their room and started playing UNO. Seriously? They still wanted to be together and playing! My heart was so incredibly happy.
We dropped my son off with his dad as we were driving in to town earlier today since he had basketball practice. Then after my daughter’s basketball practice tonight, we all said our goodbyes and I took my daughter out to her dad. As we were riding out there, we had “The Cup Song” from Pitch Perfect blasting loudly and we were both singing at the top of our lungs.
“When I’m gone… when I’m GOOOONNNNEEEE… you’re gonna miss me when I’m gone…”
I kept looking at her and smiling and my heart felt like it would burst. I kept thinking, “I want to remember this moment for the rest of my life.” It was a Taylor Swift “I had the best day with you today” moment (which is another song that I cannot make it through without falling to pieces).
Then the irrational thinking kicked in… I thought, “This is exactly how they show it in the movies right before something terrible happens.” It was that moment of perfection – after a perfect week together – that made me think about loss. It was the “City of Angels” moment right before Nicholas Cage gets killed or the “Bust a Move” moment in Blindside right before the car crash.
If you are a parent in a divorced family, then you know that these feelings can sometimes creep in. Maybe your ex allows your kids to swim alone or maybe your ex leaves the kids with people you don’t know. There are many scenarios that make you fear for the safety of your children. Even if your ex is Mr./Ms. Perfect, you still are not able to be there all of the time to ensure the safety of your children.
And that’s where I am right now… fear mode. I’m the Mama Bear who is out of reach of my babies and if something happens, then I am not there to protect them. I’m not there to tell my son that he can’t shoot bottle rockets out of his hand or to stop my daughter from driving the golf cart out on the street.
As I drove back from dropping my daughter off tonight I cried. I haven’t done that after dropping them off in years. When we were first divorced I cried a lot after dropping them off, but you get used to the transitions and you learn to cope. Tonight, however, I cried hot tears and a whole lot of them. And when I got home I had to withdraw to my room to write this. I didn’t want my bonus babies to witness my heartache.
Joe’s kids go with their mom tomorrow for the week also, so we are child-less until next Saturday. Some people think that we are “lucky” because we have this free time, but I feel anything but lucky right now. I feel heartbroken. I feel sad. But I most certainly do NOT feel lucky.
We will make the best of our time. We will try to speak to our kids daily (that’s a blog topic for another day). We will have many date nights and we will watch what we want to watch on television and we will eat what we want to eat. We will stay out for one more drink because we don’t have a sitter at home waiting for us. We may even wear less clothes around the house (it’s not all negative I guess).
But there will be something missing and that hole in our hearts won’t be filled until we have all four babies back in our nest next weekend. I’m already counting down the days…