April 23, 2014

Dear Parents, Are You Tired Of Being Tired? Amen.

A slightly edited version of this blog was published today on Huffington Post Parents.

My face felt tight from a mixture of sticky old sunscreen and dried sweat. Admittedly there was an unpleasant scent that surrounded me of which I was embarrassed. Or at least I would have been embarrassed if I weren’t so damn tired. I had spent most of my day outside at a school track meet which took many more hours than I had planned in my schedule. And because of this poor planning on my part, I was also completely inappropriately dressed in a long skirt and a jeans jacket. Sure, I could have removed the jeans jacket, but because of the Spanx tank top I was wearing under it, it would have been frowned upon by the other parents for sure. Pasty white, untoned arms with a crazy tight tank (showing all kinds of curves and edges I don’t want anyone in public to see)? No thank you.

It was worth it to see her run her 5:50 mile (personal best) at 11 years old.

So I did as we parents do every year at this time and I suffered through it (and, uh, sweat through my clothes in the process). We spend hours out at the ball fields, in hot gyms, at field days, or at end of the year parties. Those of us who work outside of the home leave the comforts of our air conditioned offices to stand out in the sun for hours before returning to work for a few more hours. All the time feeling guilty because, after forgetting to bring a folding chair for the hundreth time, we realize just how much we would rather be anywhere but there.

It’s the time of year where parents are just exhausted. And this week has been, well, even more exhausting-er than normal.

My normal annoyingly positive attitude is not sure how to handle the never-before-thought negative thoughts brewing inside my head this week. My mind went into defense mechanism mode yesterday afternoon. Seriously. It just SHUT DOWN and I actually said to myself, “Thank God tomorrow is Friday.” And it was only TUESDAY. Nice coping mechanism, self, but just saying it doesn’t make it a reality.

My reality this week was spending most of the day on Monday with my kids and my ex-husband’s family at the visitation/funeral/burial of my children’s great uncle. Divorce may be a divisive factor in our lives, but death brings us all back together. It was a wonderful service for a man who had such a servant’s heart. He was always there for anyone in need. He was one of those people who just made you feel good by being around him. As Maya Angelou said:

#TRUTH

The funeral on Monday was emotionally exhausting and then Tuesday was physically exhausting. I went to work for a few hours, then went to my daughter’s track meet for a few hours, then went by my attorney’s office to sign some paperwork, then went BACK to work for a few hours, then raced home to get my daughter’s basketball clothes/shoes and pick up my son, so we could race over to pick up my daughter from piano. She changed in the car as we raced to basketball practice. When the kids got out of the car to go into basketball practice, I realized it was the first silence I had experienced all day. And it was after 6pm.

So what did I do with my free time? I opened my brief case and pulled out some work. <sigh>

Joe called to talk about dinner plans. I guess I was a tad short with him because he said, “What’s wrong, honey?” I felt like I let all of the air out of my lungs as I said,

“I’M JUST….. SO……….. TIRED. And I’m just so tired of being tired.”

Catching some quick Z’s after practice…

It’s that time of year again. The time of year where we all just do whatever we can to get by. Jen Hatmaker’s blog that went viral last year, Worst End Of School Year Mom Ever, was absolutely the best verbalization of this feeling that we all feel every single year at this time. We are just sick and tired of being sick and tired, so we just EXIST. It’s that “existence” that is so hard for someone who takes pride in being on top of everything. Instead of being my normal prepared self, I find myself wishing away time – praying for a little bit of something… something that I haven’t felt since last summer. FREEDOM.

And I don’t mean freedom away from the kids, necessarily… I mean freedom to just NOT DO.

We go, go, go, go all the days. Our schedules are marked on and highlighted and color-coded as we race from one activity to the next or divide and conquer while kids have different activities in totally different cities. We make it happen because like Maya Angelou said, we want our kids to remember how our dedication made them feel.

Children don’t feel love through the thousands of dollars worth of shoes you buy them or the expensive camps you send them to. They feel love when they are out on the court and they look to the sidelines and see you give them a thumbs up. They feel love when they fall on the field and they hear your familiar gasp from the sidelines as you say a quick prayer to God to make sure your child gets back up. They feel love when they see you with flowers in the audience after a piano recital. They feel love just spending time with you. But most importantly, they will remember how your love and dedication in their lives made them feel.

It’s YOUR TIME they need the most. It’s that simple.

The best thing we can do for our kids and for ourselves is to get a quick re-charge. Like when your AC stops blowing cold air and you need to re-charge the freon… we go so hard for so long that we just start blowing hot air all around. And when we are blowing hot air around, we are of no use to anyone. Especially our kids.

And right now I feel like I am blowing hot air EVERYWHERE…

This weekend we have no basketball tournaments and no plans. I am already scheduling in my calendar (WITH A SHARPIE) the 12 hours of sleep I want to get on Friday night. I may not even get out of my nightgown on Saturday THANK-YOU-VERY-MUCH! Visions of kids laughing by the fire pit while watching outdoor movies are floating around incessantly in my head. And I know that after having a restful weekend I will be back to the Val who everyone knows and loves, not the Val that everyone hides from because she may burn a hole through you with her exhausted/angry glare. Not the mom with the ultra-short fuse.

I know that once I get my refresher weekend that I will again be the kind of person who encourages people… the kind of person who makes people smile and whose energy makes others feel good. That is the real Val.

THAT is how I want to be remembered.

April 16, 2014 Aside

Updated Blog…

Since my numbers are increasing daily, I am trying to make my blog more user-friendly… let me know what you think! I would love any opinions on how to improve. Plus I am making an editorial calendar, so I would love to hear more topic ideas from you all… You can email me ournewpartyofsix@gmail.com.

We’ve had a nice night tonight with all four kids here. I’m feeling successful since I didn’t yell… much. Yay me! Boy, they are exhausting sometimes… wonderful, but exhausting. At least everyone got their work done, played outside for a while and then sat together for a nice taco dinner prepared by my handsome (and always handy) husband.

Now it’s quiet. Thank goodness it’s bedtime for all………….. but of course there is laundry to be done. Sigh….

April 15, 2014

Blending A Family: Even When It’s Easy, It’s Still Hard

This was originally posted today on CarolinaParent.com. Please go to their site and read the blog written by Carolina Parent editor, Odile Fredericks, titled “Seeking Help for Traumatic Teen years.”

It’s hard to believe that our new party of six is almost a year old., Overwhelmingly, it has gone a lot smoother than I expected. Our fears before May 11, 2013, were that the kids would not get along or that they would have adjustment problems. I was particularly concerned that my two kids would have trouble sharing me after having me to themselves for over eight years, and I was concerned that Joe’s kids would view me as a threat to their loyalty to their mother.

After almost a year I can proudly say that neither of those fears came to fruition. Comparatively speaking to other nightmare unions you hear about, it’s been relatively easy. There has been very little fighting between the kids. Joe and I have only had one true argument that was completely blended family related, but that argument helped us remember that we are a team … our marriage is a priority. The past year has mostly been filled with good memories and fun times.

At the same time, it has been the hardest year of my life.

There has been more of so much in my life. More time planning and scheduling of our lives. More laundry to be done on a daily basis. More money spent on food and vacations and activities. More activities to attend. More arguments to diffuse, and more people to tuck in bed. More people to love, and more people to discipline. Did I mention more laundry? Overall, there is just more to fit in an already short week while taking into account an ever revolving door as I coordinate different custody schedules and different school schedules with different activity schedules.

I have to begin preparing for the following week before the current week is even complete, and planning my schedule is much more complex that it sounds. I have to sit down and make sure my schedule is in line with the Google calendar that my ex-husband and I share with the kids. I usually have to email their dad and their stepmom to see what else needs to go on the calendar for that week and to make sure there is not a change in the calendar that needs to be made. I then have to email my babysitter to let her know her responsibilities for the week and then take that same email, change the font to red, and superimpose my husband’s responsibilities into the email before sending that on to him. Even writing the process for planning is exhausting, which makes it no wonder why the two ladies in the Target line early Sunday morning looked at me with such pity when I said, “I have four kids.”

While there has been more, it also feels like there has been less of some things. Less time to focus on our relationship as a couple, and less time to focus on our individual relationships with each child. Less privacy and less alone time (something I crave at times). Less free time to just relax, and less time to focus on hobbies (it’s hard to go to the gym when you have three kids at practices in different locations on the same afternoon).

It also seems like there is less respect for others as each of us has tried to find our own place in our new family. This has been especially trying with two of the kids being teenage boys. It’s hard to know if some behavior is due to the change in our family structure or the change in hormones. Either way, it’s a constant work in progress to stay on top of and eliminate selfishness.

There are no easy roles in a blended family. We the parents are typically the bad guys, but what I have learned over the past year is that the strength in our relationship is what will bring us through this. Even parents who are still together can vouch that the teenage years are tough on everyone. Just like in those families, we will get through it together as husband and wife. It has become clear that not everyone is going to be happy all the time, but we must treat each other with respect and kindness so we can pull through these years relatively unscathed.

Growing together as a blended family has not been without its drama and difficulties, but the power struggles we face are helping us to become even closer as a family. Each day we are all finding our place, and I just know that the best is yet to come.

April 4, 2014

Lesson From The Wave

The Durham Bulls had their opening night last night and it was so much fun! We only had two of our kids, so we had a smaller crew than normal, but it was a great time. The sounds, the sights, the smells… and a W for the Bulls!!!! We have mini-season tickets, but since this game wasn’t included in our package we sat in the outfield. I can say one thing with certainty, there was a lot of interesting people-watching going on! I like our regular seats better because there aren’t many people in front of us, which allows me to focus my attention on the actual game rather than the people around me.

Hattie really wanted to get the wave going, so she was thrilled when a boy sitting near us decided to take matters into his own hands. We always participate in the wave, but it was fun to see it close up from the start.

When the wave starts, you only have a small group of people who stand up, wave their arms and yell. Each time they start the wave, it goes a little farther. Then a little farther… until you have this:

This made me think about the snowball effect of negativity in divorce. It may start out small with you nitpicking small transgressions you feel your ex is guilty of doing, but it can quickly get out of control with you becoming obsessed with bringing everything that you think he/she is doing wrong to light. Usually this is actually done with good intentions.

This constant barrage of insignificant transgressions will only cause you to be miserable as you perceive the transgressions as personal attacks on you. And one thing I have learned for sure in my life is that if I let things bother me based on the actions of other people, I am letting them win. Not only that, but I am miserable while they continue to be happy.

I explained this concept to one of my girls the other day when she was talking about something that someone did that “made her angry.” I told her that she couldn’t let someone else’s actions make her feel bad. She has to choose to let it go (yes, that was my motto well before Frozen came out). My example to her was, “You are going to make yourself miserable thinking about it while she could be having the happiest, best day of her life!” Her response was, “Not if I tell her how it makes me feel.” And I said, “But she may not care, so it will make you feel even worse.” LET IT GO…

In divorce, we have to learn to let things go that we may not want to let go and we need to choose our battles. You and your ex are not going to agree on things. Take that to the bank. But you have to choose to let things go so that you can be happy and move on with your life. You have to stop the wave before it takes off and focus on your own happiness.

I often admit my own inadequacies when I write, which is what a lot of people say they enjoy about my blog… and I do admit that I remember the days when I used to email my ex about things that my kids would tell me as soon as they came back from his home. I remember being infuriated with him and I remember him saying (a phrase I heard often that would only infuriate me more), “Per usual you don’t know what you are talking about.” Ouch… I had verbalized in bullet points my argument based on something the kids told me and I got… gulp, THAT.

It took a while, but after being blown off enough in my quest to be heard by him I realized it wasn’t worth the energy or the anger. I was furious and he couldn’t care less about how I felt. What was the point??? I felt bad and he probably didn’t think another thought about it.

If you know someone who is in the throes of divorce, don’t be a negative advocate who only fans the flames of anger by telling them things you hear or encouraging them to “teach him/her a thing or two.” The best friend you can be would be to encourage them to move along… transcend…. choose their battles... let it go. If you can help them refocus and remember the good that has come, then maybe they can stop focusing on the negative. You can help them stop the wave of negativity that has taken over their lives. Change is very difficult, so they will need your support.

I need to change my eating habits, so I would appreciate some support on that if you’re in the helping mood…

Yep… lunch today. Eeek.

April 2, 2014

How Do You Want To Be Remembered?

I’m re-posting this blog today because it has been the most searched topic recently…

So tell me, how do YOU want to be remembered?????

Life in a Blender...

A couple of years ago, while visiting the beautiful city of Charleston, I toured some of the old graveyards that are sporadically located throughout downtown. As I slowly wandered around and read all of the epitaphs, I wondered how I will be remembered someday. What are the things that I do that my friends and family will miss most? How do I want to be remembered?

My friends can vouch for me when I say that I am a firecracker. Yes, I have heard that more than a few times in my life. I often speak without a filter, I have been known to have one too many drinks on occasion, I am passionate (and vocal) about everything important to me, and my laugh can be heard from rooms away. And I laugh a LOT. My famous last words are usually, “Can we have just one more?” I don’t like…

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Life in a Blender…

Finding our "New Normal" — together

Month: April 2014