October 28, 2013

Stop and Smell The Roses…

I was in the shower last night when my husband walked into the bathroom and simply said, “Steve is dead.”

My mind raced as I tried to quickly figure out who in the world he could be talking about. Then it hit me. He was talking about “Steve the Stink Bug” who the girls brought in as a pet about two weeks ago. I must say that Steve lived about 10 days longer than I had originally expected (or hoped for that matter).

As I finished my shower, I thought about how although the girls only had Steve in their lives for two weeks, they enjoyed every minute of him. They built Steve a home in a hermit crab cage with sticks and leaves and water in a bottle cap. When my step-daughter returned from her mom’s house, the first thing she did was check on Steve. They were so concerned about his living conditions and his health. His life was fleeting, but they enjoyed him the short time he was around.

Children are so much better than adults at just enjoying the moment. All you have to do is watch them running on the beach to realize that. They are running carefree in the sand while we are sitting in the beach chair worried about sharks and jellyfish and sunburn and drowning in the undertow. A perfect example of this juxtaposition is feeding seagulls. I have threatened my children since they were old enough to understand that if they do not bury any leftover bread crust or Pringles on the beach, then I will be furious. I cannot stand seagulls. I think they are rats that fly… but the kids get so much joy out of throwing bread in the air for them to catch.

Whether it’s a jar full of fireflies, which you know will all be dead by morning, or a goldfish won at the fair who doesn’t stand a fighting chance to make it more than 48 hours. Or a stink bug found in the backyard. They relish in the moment. Children know how to stop and smell the roses.

My handsome boy smelling Dandy’s roses…

Adults have a harder time with this enjoyment of the here and now because we know what is to come. It’s like the fleeting moments when you realize that it has been a few days since there has been any drama with your ex. There have been no emails or phone calls or text messages to speak of. He/she may even be pleasant in your presence.

Rather than enjoy the moment, we tend to focus on the negative and wonder what Summons we may get served next or how he/she is manipulating us in some way. Instead, we should be celebrating the quiet time when we don’t have to have daily talks with our friends or family about any of the crazy going on. Trust me, they probably get tired of hearing it! When you are immersed in craziness, it is a relief to be removed from it, even for just a few days.

Kids see Steve… Adults see a STINK BUG.

Many of my friends have expressed their concern to me when their exes all of a sudden seemed to “get over it.” Their exes were combative and bitter and angry while trying to keep any semblance of control over them by not agreeing to anything even if it is something clearly in the best interests of the children… but one day it stopped. And that sudden calmness made my friends anything but calm. They confessed to losing sleep at night expecting a lawsuit or child support reduction, when all it turned out to be was their ex-husbands had started dating someone new. Rather than enjoy that brief time of peace though, they found themselves anxious.

We need to try to be more like the children. When things start going well with your ex, don’t just assume the worst. Maybe he/she has met someone who can take the heat off of you for a while. Revel in it! Enjoy it! Your kids will be better off with BOTH of their parents happy. Trust me when I say that your ex finding a relationship can be the best thing for your relationship with your ex!

I’m going to try to enjoy the little things more often without worrying about what is to come. I’m going to stop and smell the roses… and be thankful for any little bit of peace I am given. If we are overwhelmingly grateful for the little things, then just think about how exciting the big things will be???????

I may even feed the seagulls the next time we hit the beach. Nahhh…….

One of my favorite paintings by Sandy Vincent – click on it to like her Facebook page

October 22, 2013

Life Got in the Way!!!

I am not one to ever wish time away. As a matter of fact, I often have that feeling of wanting to freeze time. I look in the mirror every morning (well, after I put on my glasses so I can SEE myself) and wonder where this 39 year woman has come from? I feel like I was 29 just yesterday… but ten years have just FLOWN by.

29 years young at the beach with my babies

And the kids??? How in the world have they gotten to be so OLD? My youngest child, who I feel like was born YESTERDAY, started cotillion a couple of weeks ago and is almost as tall as I am already! I feel like the past 10 years have just been a blur, so I now find myself just staring at her (which makes her terribly uncomfortable, by the way). I crave the moments we can spend together. I LOVE Tuesdays because it is the one night that I can focus all of my attention on her since the other children are all with their other parent. We can get sushi and just catch up on life…

On her way to her first 5th grade cotillion!

My first born is a full blown teenager now. He is growing every single day and will pass me in the next week (if he hasn’t already today). He is filled with that teenage angst and wants to argue with every single thing I say (while showing me how cut his abs are, of course), but I am still proud of him in everything he does. Even when he talks incessantly about things that I have absolutely no interest in! Some days he seems to put forth effort into his schoolwork and some days he absolutely couldn’t care any less about it. I try my best to be encouraging when he does well.

Throughout the years of their childhood I have often wanted to just yell, “STOP GROWING, NOW!!!!!!!” I have wanted to just freeze time so that I could enjoy that moment forever. Admittedly though, I am ready and willing to close the book on the last month of my life. September 23rd was my birthday, which seems to be when everything peaked. It has been DOWNHILL ever since.

My birthday celebration with my kids and three of my nephews… happy thoughts.

Since then, we have had strep throat, lice, unknown stomach pains (that still are not resolved), meetings about educational “issues” (results coming soon) and a spot cut from my temple (still waiting on biopsy results). I had a friend who had to have surgery on her wrist (so I cooked dinner for her family) and my son had a friend who unexpectedly lost his father. I ran the Bull City 5 Miler only two days after suffering a stomach virus and now two days later I am still having trouble walking (mental note: don’t run 5 miles when you haven’t even hit the pavement in a month). I know I looked like some sort of fool trying to walk down the stairs of my parking garage coming to work this morning. And there is no telling what kinds of germs I picked up since I had to use the nasty handrails in a stairwell that more often than not smells like the pee of the local homeless people.

Lately I have been able to relate to the new song, “Wake Me Up” by Avicii. The video is below:

The song begins with him talking about how he feels his way through the darkness. I too feel like I am “feeling my way through the darkness, guided by a beating heart.” The darkness is this new life as a blended family and just the fact that life is passing by so quickly. My sweet husband is so helpful in every single way and I can see how it pains him to see me struggle with my emotions.

I love our life and I love our kids, but I find myself in a constant state of worry over all of our kids because I want everything to go well for them. I am not the kind of person who will blindly walk through life and project my happiness on those around me. Instead I spend my time worrying that others are NOT as happy as I. So on top of the external pressures of the past month, I have also been putting a tremendous burden on myself to make sure everything is going well for the rest of the family. The death of my friend’s husband has also caused me to fear the loss of Joe. It took us 20 years to reconnect and I am counting on at least 30 more years of newlywed bliss with him. That has been weighing heavily on my heart.

Immediately following our 5 Mile race on Sunday… we can run together to stay healthy!!!

As with everything in life, I know that these crazy emotions will rise and fall like the tides I love so dearly at the coast. I know that this too shall pass.

I think the problem I am having right now though is that I do want to savor and enjoy every single second of this life with my handsome husband and our amazing kids, but lately life has dealt me some pretty crappy cards. And it upsets me tremendously when I don’t know how to handle what is put on my plate. I remember my grandmother saying, “I know the Good Lord won’t give me more than I can handle, but I sure wish he didn’t have so much faith in me.” Amen. And AMEN.

The song continues with, “I can’t tell where the journey will end, but I know where to start.” I know that I need to start TODAY. I need to focus on the good and not let the insignificant, petty things in my life affect who I am and how people know me. I am proud of the fact that I have an annoyingly positive attitude. I love that my friends know if they are having a bad day they can call me and I will make them laugh. I love that if either of my girls are feeling down, they know I am a few steps away with a big hug to help make things better. We don’t know where this journey will end, but we must make the most of each and every day before it’s too late.

25 sittin’ on 25 mil….

The next couple of stanzas of the song really make me think of my years as a single mom. I let life with my children pass me by because I was so busy focused on making money and trying to meet someone. Although I had friends who tried to tell me that I needed to prioritize, I thought I had all of the answers so I ignored them. I tried to “carry the weight of the world” because I had too much pride to just ask for help. Most importantly, I was looking so hard for something but in the meantime didn’t realize that I was lost to myself. I needed to be happy with ME before I could be happy with anyone else.

“Wake me up when it’s all over. When I’m wiser and I’m older. All those times I was finding myself, I didn’t know I was lost.” It’s unusual for me to feel this way, but I sometimes find myself at a loss – not knowing how to deal with my son or not knowing if the lice will come back or trying not to let ex-drama affect me. Not to mention that all of this chaos in my life has prohibited me from doing the one thing that I truly love – writing.

So starting RIGHT NOW… I am going to do three things daily to get me out of this funk:

1) Smile and focus on the here and now. I’m not going to let the actions of others bring me down. I will see those actions for what they are – sad attempts to take away the happiness I have in my life. I am going to spend every second I can with my kids so their memories of their childhoods are of US and not things I gave them. I’m not going to worry about them anymore, I am merely going to do everything in my power to make sure they communicate with us if something needs to be changed.

2) Write, write and write some more (daily)!!!! I have always been best when it comes to getting my thoughts and feelings on paper. Sometimes I have trouble expressing myself verbally, but if I sit down at my laptop then I can write for days on end.

3) Take care of ME. I need to exercise daily, take my vitamins and drink lots of water. It’s hard to feel down when you are at your best!!! Plus, taking care of myself will hopefully ensure many, many more happy years with Joe and our kids (and future grandkids).

With all that being said, sorry for my little break in blogging… LIFE GOT IN THE WAY. But I’m awake now and am thankful for every minute of every day (and have two more blogs ready to post!!!!).

September 21, 2013

Choose Your Own Life…

The alarm jolted me awake at 6:25am, but my body was just not ready to get up. I reached over and hit the 9 minute snooze button and rolled back over right into the arms of my handsome husband. We laid there silently embracing while I thought about the day ahead of me and listened to the rain outside. The cloudy weather made it darker than normal in our bedroom which made it even more difficult to venture out of our warm cocoon.

It’s sad that at 6:25am when I had not even spoken aloud yet and my feet had not even touched the floor, I was already trying to figure out when I would be able to go back to bed. I verbalized my thoughts to my husband, who laughed at me (while probably looking forward to getting back in bed with me too, but for other reasons). Men…

I reluctantly fought my way out of the sheets and went to wake up my 13 year old son. He had obviously had a restless night because his head was where his feet had been when he went to sleep. He sat up and said, “I don’t feel so good.” Not a great way to start the day.

My step-son was asleep in the other bed, so I whispered to my son to get up and shower and that it would make him feel better (yes, mothers always tell you that if you get up/shower/eat then you will feel better).

After rushing around to get ready and pack lunches, we were ready to head out the door to school promptly at 7:45am. RAIN? I was not expecting rain. Obviously I was not expecting rain since my umbrella was IN my car and my car was in the driveway… in the rain. We ran to the car trying to protect our “i-stuff” in the process.

Not even two blocks away we encountered a very long trailer that was having a hard time turning onto Glenwood from Anderson. He had the intersection blocked and there were cars just sitting around everywhere. I remember sitting there thinking that I had not even been awake for two hours and my day was already MISERABLE.

Yes, that is the back of the truck that is basically scraping the telephone pole on the right…

After a lot of trouble and waiting and sitting in the carpool line, I was headed into work. With my music playing, I tried to think about happy thoughts but was overcome with thinking about the difficulties I have been facing with a negative force in my life and I started just getting ANGRY.

By the time I parked my car I was just mad and tired. And it was only 8am.

As I was walking to work from the parking garage, I heard a weird crack coming from the ground and I noticed my shoe felt strange. I looked down and realized that my heel had broken. So now I was tired, mad and wet with a broken heel. It was almost more than my head could handle which made me feel like breaking something, well, other than my heel.

In Joan & David’s defense, I have only had these shoes for EIGHTEEN YEARS!!!!!!! Gotta love well made shoes!

So thoughts were bombarding my brain as they so often do during that short walk from my car to my office. It came to my mind that life is just like those books I used to enjoy reading when I was a child – the books where you got to choose which direction the story takes next.

Our lives are our own “Choose Your Own Adventure” book!

I realized I was CHOOSING to allow these negative thoughts to take over. I was choosing to allow a difficult morning to take happy time out of my life. I was choosing to let a little bit of difficulty caused by an unhappy person to take my focus off the 99% of AMAZINGNESS I have in my life every single day.

I made up my mind at that moment that the gloves were coming off in regards to unhappy thoughts. I was not going to give control to something that deserves NO control. Negative people too. DONE.

And it worked! When Warren called me to pick him up from school because he couldn’t make it through the day, I was walking out the door for a birthday lunch with a friend. Instead of my birthday lunch, I had to rush to the middle school to get my baby. I could have been upset about missing my lunch date, but I focused on how thankful I am to have a job that allows me to just leave when necessary to care for my babies.

Anytime a negative thought tried to creep into my head (which let me tell you with some of the stupid in my life at times, it’s hard NOT to let it creep in) I replaced it with happy thoughts. I thought about how blessed I am to have such a wonderful family. I thought about how lucky I am to wake up every single morning next to a man with whom I am madly in love. I thought about how much I love sharing soccer with my stepdaughter when I can and watching my son play basketball.

There are so many more happy thoughts than negative in my life, but it does often feel like the negative thoughts are so much heavier on the brain and heart. So DON’T LET THEM IN!!!

This is also a great point for families in a divorce situation. Too many parents focus on the one or two “bad things” their ex does rather than just trust in them to make the right decisions regarding the children.

Now don’t get me wrong, if your ex is doing something that is harmful to the children – getting drunk to the point of passing out with them around, leaving them alone at night to hit the bars/clubs, hurting them in any way physically or emotionally – then fight, fight fight for your kids. If, however, your ex is just not doing things in her/his house like YOU would do, then replace the bad thoughts with good thoughts and MOVE ON.

I got a comment from a reader earlier this week about this very subject. Here is a copy of her comment:

As I said in a previous post, we can only control what we can control. And we cannot control our ex. And no matter how much we beg and plead to them to change something that we may not agree with, we are NO LONGER MARRIED. So basically your viewpoint means nothing to him/her and you are wasting your breath. As a matter of fact, he will probably fight you on it and do whatever it is more in an attempt to prove you wrong in some way.

IF YOU COULD AGREE ON EVERYTHING, THEN YOU WOULD STILL BE MARRIED.

I read a lot about this subject because it’s common for married parents to disagree about parenting issues. AND THEY LOVE EACH OTHER! So if you two are divorced, then you can’t expect to agree on things. And the only time you have a right to get involved is when it is detrimental to your children. And not that YOU BELIEVE it is detrimental to your children, but you have valid proof that it is indeed harming your kids in some way. Unless you have that, then there is absolutely nothing you should do to try to change what happens at your ex’s house. Because it’s pointless and it only makes you and everyone around you miserable.

I tell friends who are dealing with this the same thing EVERY TIME. You have to CHOOSE how to deal with this and rather than trying to force your goals and views on your ex, choose to live the best life you can and be the best role model that you can in YOUR HOME. You can control what happens in your own home and the beauty of it is that if your children are old enough, then they will be able to choose parts of each of you that they want to emulate as they mature. They will see one parent who is living life in such a way that is not admirable and they will the see you living the best life you can and being a good role model. Which one do you think they will want to emulate when they have children of their own??

EXACTLY.

And that’s what our goal has to be. They may learn behavior at the other parent’s home that you will not allow in your home. I can’t tell you how many times with four kids we say, “You won’t do that in OUR home” when they try to convince us that they should be able to do something since they do it at the other parent’s house. If they are old enough, then they will be mad, but they will also think about why it is allowed at one home and not the other. And hopefully they will learn something in the process.

It’s the same thing on the flipside too. If you happily encourage your kids to love the other parent and encourage them to be a daily part of the other parent’s life even when they are with you, they will remember it when they grow older and respect you more for it. As I have said in previous posts, the kids will remember which parent truly respected their love for the other parent. It’s the parent who is not threatened by the child loving the other parent. It’s the parent who is mature enough to know that the child has enough love to go around so they encourage the children to view themselves as having ONE LARGE FAMILY rather than separate lives with either parent.

So, choose your own adventure! Choose to be happy! And choose to always put the kids first! That should be your new normal. And you won’t have to even talk to your kids about it, because they will know what just feels right… and they will know who truly had their best interests at heart every step of the way.

THIS is how I choose to live my life… (20th class reunion last summer)

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Update – After posting this blog this morning, I ran to the grocery store to get the ingredients to make my famous Brunswick Stew. What I thought would be a quick trip to the grocery store took a lot longer than expected because there was a little old lady in front of me in line who wanted to run back and get some ice cream that was on sale. Then she had a rain check item to talk about. Then she used coupons. Then she wrote a check. The entire time she was just smiling and chatting with the young cashier and the young bagger (both looked like they were in high school). She looked at me and apologized for taking so long and I smiled at her and said, “Not a problem. Have a nice day.”

After she walked out, the cashier said, “I am SO sorry she took so long. Thank you for your patience.” She looked at me with a genuinely apologetic look. I thought about my blog and I said, “I could choose to be in a rush and be angry, but who would that help? It would have hurt her feelings, it would have made you unhappy and it would have just made me feel bad. So I might as well be patient and enjoy my day.” Both of them looked at me like I was crazy. After a pregnant pause the young cashier said, “And it wouldn’t make it go any quicker. I wish more people thought that way.”

She got it.

We smiled at each other and I told her to have a wonderful day. I truly hope she does…

September 19, 2013

Fall in the South

There is just something about Fall in the South….

It’s the smell in the air when the weather is cool at night, but still scorching most days. The kind of weather where you thinks it’s an awesome idea to wear your riding boots to work, but regret it terribly when your feet are on fire when you walk two blocks to lunch.

It’s the sounds of college football and tailgating at the crack-o-dawn for an evening game – with mimosas, screwdrivers, sausage balls, low country boil – but then not making it to the game because you were “over-served” with booze or food, or both… WHO CARES?!?

I JUST LOVE FALL…. I mean, absolutely, hard core love love love it. I know it can bring about those pesky welcome back to school lice and the ragweed is enough to make your head want to explode, but the absolute fantabulousness of the season completely outweighs the negative.

I know that a lot of people love fall for football and cool weather and changing leaves, but here are some special things about fall that are important to me.

Watching the Gamecocks play outside in my Jadeveon Clowney jersey!

I figured it was appropriate to choose my 7 favorite things since my favorite South Carolina Gamecock football player wears the #7 jersey!

1) Salted Caramel Mocha from Starbucks

I love my extra hot Salted Caramel Mocha!

They’re back!!!! Have you ever in your life wondered what it would taste like to melt a candy bar in a mug, spray whipped cream on top and sprinkle it with salt?

WONDER NO MORE.

I’m telling you this is the richest, most heavenly drink I have ever had in my entire life. Sure, it may have more calories and fat grams than the USDA recommends for, well, like A LIFETIME… but HOLY HELL. Worth every pound you pack on.

Do you think it’s a coincidence that Starbucks sends me a “free drink” card for my birthday? And it’s in September? Nope. They love me.

2) My Ever-changing Seasonal Wine Selection

As the weather changes, so does my taste in wine. I spend all spring and summer craving the crisp, light taste of my favorite St. Supery Sauvignon Blanc. I CANNOT GET ENOUGH.

But as soon as the weather begins to cool at night, I want something with a little more weight… a little more substance. I start craving a nice Chardonnay. And let me tell you something! After a whole summer of drinking Sauvignon Blanc or Prosecco, Chardonnay tastes like drinking butter. Thick and creamy butter… But it is thick and creamy butter that keeps me warm!

I may even take a chance and drink some Pinot Noir during the Fall. It just feels right.

3) Fall Comfort Food

As if I need to remind you all, I LOVE FOOD. There are some foods that just taste better in the Fall. They fill your belly with all kinds of hot yumminess – which is why I think we wear so much clothes in the Winter. It’s God’s way of apologizing to us for letting us eat so much good food that we gained 15 pounds in the Fall. We then have to work our bottoms off (LITERALLY) all Spring to get ready for bathing suit weather!

These are two of my favorite dishes to cook and they compliment each other beautifully. I have even combined the recipes and made a Black-eyed Pea and Collard soup (I personally think it was even better than what they sell at Whole Foods). These two pots cooking are black-eyed peas with sausage and collard greens with ham hocks.

Just beginning to cook…

4) Tacky Yard Decor

It just would be Fall in the South without yard decor galore!!! Hay stacks and pumpkins and Mums out the wazoo. And if you are lucky enough, you can actually find Mums in the colors of your favorite football team! Double points for that score!

It looks like Fall threw up in my car…

In the South, we love a “vignette.” It’s even just fun to say. All around the inside of our homes we have vignettes – in the parlor, in the formal living room, in the formal dining room. We love a little vignette. During the Fall, we have a change to do small vignettes in our yard. A little vignette of Fall around the light post out front, another little vignette by the back door.

5) Sun Porch Weather!!!!!

My sun porch is absolutely amazing. For like two months a year. Seriously, it is a great room – very relaxing and calming with a ton of windows that look out into the yard. The problem is the sun porch has its own AC unit, which doesn’t work. So the room is not functional for a majority of the year in North Carolina. It could be useable in the winter, but the heat out there is electric and it does a MAJOR NUMBER on my power bill.

Seriously, how could you NOT love this room???

I plan to enjoy the porch for the next month until it gets too cold to sit out there. Tonight, my sweet husband even offered to bring the big screen TV onto the sun porch so I could enjoy three of my FAVORITE things – the sun porch, wine and football.

He sure does love me….

It’s also an amazing place to write. Even in this large home, I have a hard time finding my quiet space. But this porch has become a little piece of solitude for me. And Lord knows I need some solitude every once in a while. It seems like over the past month it has been ONE THING AFTER ANOTHER.

6) Camellias

A close sixth would be the flower that I literally squealed about when I drove up the driveway today. CAMELLIAS!!! I live in a sixty year old home with a yard FULL of magnolia trees, camellia bushes, and azaleas. And every fall I get so excited about the camellias blooming.

A pretty bloom in my driveway

Although the blooms don’t last long, they are still a POP of color that is fun to have inside the house.

7) HOT CHOCOLATE STANDS!!!!

All summer long we have lemonade stand after lemonade stand. The girls make a killing because they wait until they know the men are leaving the golf course for the afternoon and they strike while it’s hot. They have learned the art of negotiation and sales so that when a customer pulls up and asks how much it is for a cup of lemonade, they say, “You name your price.” The person ends up giving them a LOT MORE than $.50!

But during the Fall, we like to get wrapped up in our warm clothes and UGGs and sell hot chocolate as the golfers are GOING to play golf. I thought it was a questionable concept before we did it for the first time, but then I realized that it was really working for them!

My daughter (on the right) and her best friend selling hot chocolate and cookies on a crisp, Fall day!

And if you click on the picture above, please notice my amazing fall vignette around the lamp post in the front yard… Yep, hay, pumpkins and mums!!!

So there you have it… my seven unconventional favorite things about Fall in the South.

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*** Edit – I have had some people email me regarding the recipes I use for my black-eyes peas and collards. I have not found anything better than Emeril’s Smoked Sausage and Black-Eyed Peas. ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!! And some people are scared of collards because they think they stink up the house, but I use the Magnolia’s restaurant (in yummy Charleston, SC) collard green recipe. I think it’s the vinegar or cooking them in chicken broth that makes them taste heavenly and they DO NOT stink up my house! I highly recommend the Magnolia’s cookbook also…

September 17, 2013

Hot Topic Tuesday – When did the switch flip?

This is a tough question for me because it really makes me look back at and analyze my past behavior. Who likes to do that? I am not perfect, nor have I ever claimed to be. My answer to this question may be more honest and forthright than I am comfortable with admitting.

When we got divorced, I had a very hard time separating my feelings from my behavior. Although I was the one who left, I still had glimmers of hope that he would fight for the kids and me. I would dream about him showing up at the front door like a character in a Nicholas Sparks novel and “make things right again.” That never happened.

Obviously, we didn’t get along. If we HAD been able to get along, then maybe we would have stayed together. Although we didn’t get along, I think we were always child-centric on certain things. I believe the small child-centric things we did are just common sense, but it seems that most people who are newly divorced do not do these simple little things..

When we moved into our new house, the first thing my ex did when he brought the kids home was to let them give him a tour of the house. He spent time looking at their rooms and swinging in the backyard. So immediately they were comfortable in their new home because Daddy approved. He may not have supported my new home, but he came and showed his solidarity because it was in the best interest of our kids.

We were also always good about sitting next to each other (or at least very near each other) at events so that the kids would not have to divide their attentions. It would also prevent the other child from having to choose which parents to sit with which would only cause the kids anxiety.

The kids have pretty much always had one birthday party too. One of us would have the party and the other parent would come. Again, common sense. Kids only have one birthday, so why have more than one party unless the priority is the comfort of the parents and not the child with the birthday.

With that being said, even through all of that I do not believe I was truly child-centric. We just did what was right in front of the kids, but my heart was ANGRY. I was mad that my ex called the house multiple times a day to talk to the kids. I felt like he was imposing on MY custodial time (although they were with me all week, every week). THAT was me being selfish and wanting to punish him for not coming to bring us home. I didn’t give him extra time because I was afraid he would someday use it against me like I didn’t want the kids. I printed out every email for years and argued about everything I could argue with him about – haircuts, money, his girlfriend, etc.

I would still cry every single time I dropped the kids off at his house (our former marital residence). Even after he remarried, I would cry when I pulled out of the driveway. It was like my life had moved on without me and I had to see what it looked like. I would see my kids with my ex and his wife and my dog and I would feel REPLACED. That was a miserable feeling that I think that most first wives can understand. And not only would I feel replaced, but it would make me acutely aware of how alone I was.

It was not until my ex and his wife bought their current home that I truly felt like it was no longer about me. They bought a log home out on a farm in the country and my kids wanted me to come see their new home. I called my mom en route to the house and told her what I was doing and she said, “WHAT are you thinking??? You know that will only upset you!” She was right… I knew that it would upset me, but I knew it would upset my kids even more if I did not show interest in their new home.

I drove up the long gravel driveway and let the kids walk me all around the house and the pool and the gardens. It was absolutely beautiful. Their rooms were cute and well decorated and even though some of my old furniture was in the home, it didn’t feel at all like it was mine anymore. I hugged my kids good-bye and I got in my car to drive out the long driveway.

I remember thinking, “Here we go… the tears will come now,” as I pulled away. Instead, I realized that I had a huge smile on my face. I was seriously grinning from ear to ear. It was in that moment that I realized that I could never in my life be happy living out there, no matter how beautiful it all was. I am a city girl and I would have been miserable for the rest of my life. At the same time I recognized that my ex finally had everything he had always wanted…

In that moment, the switch flipped. I knew that he was where he needed to be and I was where I needed to be…

AND I WAS HAPPY FOR HIM.

From that point on, I never thought any more about custodial times and schedules and questioning his intentions. If I needed a night to myself, I would ask him if the kids could stay. No trades, no calendar negotiations. We just did it. I tried to establish a friendship with my ex’s wife, which has been positive since that time. We are even friends on Facebook! I would have never dreamed of that back when I thought he was “out to get me.” We always try to sit together at games and during football season we would even all go out to eat together after the games. I would ask the kids if they had talked to their dad and have them call if they had not.

After that point, I think life improved for all of us. And I know in my heart it is because I stopped thinking about how all of this was affecting me and I stopped protecting what I considered to be MINE. We started living life as one family all in support of and focused upon those amazing children.

And the kids are better for it too. There is no playing one parent off the other in our family. It used to be that the kids would tell me something about what happened at dad’s house and I would automatically believe the kids at their word. Now I pick up the phone and call their dad, because most of the time they are trying to pull something over on us.

We may not be married, but we have a successful business partnership… and our business is making sure our kids grow up to be happy and healthy. There can still be stability in a family, even if the family resides in two separate homes. We are proof of that.

September 11, 2013

This is HOME.

It has been a tough week for me… and I AM TIRED. And it’s only Wednesday. I think we all experience these back to school blues to an extent. We crave the structure and routine that starting school brings, but it takes a few weeks to really get back in the swing of it all.

Considering it is “Hump Day” (which by the way, if you have not seen the Hump Day Geico commercial above, you have GOT to see it to get a laugh), I thought it appropriate to write about the lows and highs of my week thus far. The ups AND the downs…

This week definitely started out with a low. TWO WORDS – head lice. My sweet daughter had her obligatory case of “welcome back to school” head lice. My heart again goes out to her stepmom because it was once again discovered while she was at her dad’s house for the weekend, so I only had to deal with the stuff at our house and not the actual creepy crawlies…

So my weekend was spent washing sheets and pillowcases, bagging up stuffed animals from her bed, boiling brushes, etc. Thankfully I am very OCD when it comes to sharing any kind of hair stuff (since this has become the norm once a year in our house) so it appears for now that the rest of us are clean.

But WHAT IS IT ABOUT LICE that make everyone itch like crazy just talking about them????? I have not stopped itching since she made the call to me to tell me that they had found a bug. BLAHHHHHHHHH… We were sitting up at North Hills watching a Johnny Cash Tribute Band when she called me and my friends who were with us can tell you that I went downhill FAST. I hate that I have such a weak stomach that the mere discussion of lice made us have to cut our night short.

And then we had to send the dreaded text to Joe’s ex to make sure everyone there was clean, which they thankfully were. Then I had to call her best friends’ moms and tell them so they could check their girls (always a FUN call to make) and email the teacher so she could send a letter home with everyone. I also had to go to Ulta and buy some lice repellant shampoo. Hey, ANYTHING like that is worth a try!!!!

With that being said, it infuriates me that obviously she got it from somewhere and if other parents knew their child had lice and didn’t report it, then it is just NOT OK. Checking their hair is not something I do daily, but apparently I need to make it a part of my routine. Thankfully, it appears we have it taken care of… and I will re-treat her hair on Friday and continue to check her hair daily.

On Monday, my son had to go to the dentist and have four permanent teeth extracted so that he can get his braces put on next week. He has my teeth (bless his sweet heart) and since his teeth are so big his poor mouth just can’t hold them all! I had a headache all day Monday worrying about his anxiety over going to the dentist. It’s hard to know that our children are upset and know that there really is nothing that we can do about it.

I had to miss work on Tuesday because he was so swollen and still had quite a bit of pain when he woke up (not to mention the bloody mess he left behind on his pillow). Right before he went to bed on Monday he also pulled his final baby molar out – so he lost FIVE TEETH!!! That is a crazy amount of teeth to lose in one day.

I found myself feeling bad for being so concerned with my daughter’s head lice and my son’s teeth since the daughter of one of my best friends from growing up was in an accident this past weekend and fractured her skull. Worrying about lice when your friend is worrying that her daughter won’t wake up makes you feel quite silly.

Please please please warn your children that they can get hurt for their inattention. Children these days are so glued to their phones that they can find them in the hospital just like my friend’s daughter. She was on a golf cart and was looking at her phone. I assume the driver made a sudden move that she was unprepared for and she fell out head first and fractured her skull. Thank the Lord her prognosis is good now and she is recovering, but with any brain injury it will be a long road ahead for them all.

There have been some high notes in my week as well and I need to remember Philippians 4:8 (the verse read at our wedding day four months ago today), “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.” Rather than be consumed with head lice and dry socket I need to think about all of the good we have had happen this week.

My mother came to visit yesterday which was a major bright spot in the week!!! She came to town and walked my daughter home from school and went with us to piano practice while Joe went to my step-daughter’s choral performance. We then did a girls only dinner at our favorite sushi restaurant (think, “where everybody knows your name….”). We love it there because the sushi is good and they know what we want without us having to order.

After dinner, my daughter went to her room to do her homework and mom, Joe and I sat on the sun porch (my favorite room in the house) and drank wine and laughed for hours. It was so refreshing to have her here. I often wish that we lived close again. When I lived in Greenville it was so nice to be able to drive across town for a quick dinner with my parents. It’s important to me that my kids spend as much time with their grandparents as they can. They are blessed with many wonderful grandparents and they can learn so much from each one of them.

Our kids are each a blessing in their own way also. I am amazed every day by all four of them. My son is such a loyal and honest young man. I am so proud of his dedication to working out two hours a day, while making sure to finish his homework first. It blows my mind that we don’t have to hang over him to make sure he does what he is supposed to do. He does it because he is supposed to. My step-son is such a kind-hearted soul. He wants everyone to be happy and he tries to make sure that he doesn’t do anything to cause anyone to be unhappy. He’s so extremely talented as well. He has just recently started playing the piano at my house and I am so impressed by his amazing talent. My daughter is so crazy tall and athletic. She can truly excel at any sport that she puts her mind to and really seems to enjoy it. She is also a talented piano player and is loved by everyone in her class. She impresses me with her strength and her ability to ignore negativity thrown her way. That will be a huge asset as she grows into a teenager. Finally, my sweet step-daughter. She is so focused when it comes to her homework. It’s so nice to have a child who sits to do her work and just knocks it out without having to be put back on task. She is very talented at singing and seems to get better all the time. She is a definite leader and will no doubt do great things as an adult. She will MAKE things happen.

And the biggest blessing of all to me is my handsome husband Joe. He works so hard in every way to make me a priority and is quick to jump to my defense in any situation. He is also my biggest cheerleader and he encourages me to do what I love – write a novel, coach soccer, spend time with my friends and family.

I have to keep my focus on him whenever I have a week like I have had. He is my North Star. He is my home.

When we started dating we marveled at how often the idea of “home” would come up – in church, on the radio, through Joe’s stepdad in his advanced Parkinson’s disease. Because we grew up in the same hometown, we couldn’t ignore the fact that we had the same home. Greenville, NC was “home.”

But we quickly realized that the “home” we were hearing about went much deeper than our hometown. Our “home” is together. It’s no coincidence that we both wept a little when the offering song at church this past Sunday was, “This is Home.” We know where we belong… and I am so thankful to have him as my HOME.

“And I got my heart set on what happens next
I’ve got my eyes wide, it’s not over yet
We are miracles
And we’re not alone

Yeah, this is home
Now I’m finally where I belong, where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I’ve been searching for a place of my own
Now I’ve found it, maybe, this is home
Yeah, this is home”

– Switchfoot

September 6, 2013

Three Simple Words…

I work in a large office building in downtown Raleigh that has a café on the first floor. I was starving this morning, so I couldn’t stop thinking about what I would feed myself for lunch. I happily realized that I had a customer appreciation card for the café downstairs. When I pulled it out of my purse, I was even happier to see that it was fully stamped. So I rode the elevator to the first floor and got in line to order my free yummy sandwich.

I already had a little hop in my step because I was getting a free sandwich, so when they asked me if I would buy a cookie to benefit the Special Olympics and the Over the Edge campaign, I gladly agreed… and got an AMAZING looking cookie for a good cause.

When the man who works behind the counter called my name, I walked up to get my food. He handed me the bag and said, “Have a nice day.” I turned to walk away and he uttered three more simple words:

“We appreciate you.”

I walked back to the elevator thinking about those three little words that may not pack too much of a punch when used in other contexts, but together they create a sentence that can go straight to the heart. I started thinking about how often I SHOULD say that to people and do not. Three simple words that can make a big difference in someone’s day!

So I am going to do a SHOUTOUT FRIDAY post today to show my appreciation for people in my life who I may not say to enough, “I appreciate you.”

1) MY AMAZING PARENTS – I know that they probably KNOW how much I appreciate them, but I probably don’t say it enough…

My brother, my mother, me and my daddy at my wedding. My mom and dad did all of the flowers for us!

My mother and I talk a few times a day most days. She is truly one of my very best friends and I know that I can count on her for absolutely anything. Nothing is ever based on conditions with her and she expects nothing in return. If I call and I say, “I need…” then she will answer with, “I will do my best to…” Never have I heard her with the “What have you done for ME lately?” attitude that we see all too often in selfish parents these days. If my sitter is unavailable, then she will head to Raleigh to pick the kids up after school. When I fainted and couldn’t go to work for a week, she was there to drive me to the doctor and take care of me (even though she will admit that she is not a nurse in any sense of the word!).

My gorgeous mother

And my father… I cannot say enough about him either. He has always been my litmus test of what a true husband and man should be like and I am so thankful that he has taught me to have those high standards. Watching the way people respond to him and respect him has always made me know that I want to be like him. He has always treated EVERYONE like they are SOMEONE, no matter who they are. I am thankful for all of the lessons I have learned from him over the years.

So to my mother and father, “I APPRECIATE YOU.”

2) MY BABYSITTER – Of course I thank her and I pay her, but I do not tell her enough just how much I appreciate how much she improves my life just by being in it.

She is so wonderful with the kids and is so dependable. When you are a full-time working mom, it is such a comfort to know that someone is taking good care of your kids. Someone is there to get them safely home from school, feed them a snack and help them with their homework. It’s tough being a mom and not being able to be there to do those things yourself, so it puts your mind at ease to know that the kids love the person you have hired to be there.

So to Kara, “I APPRECIATE YOU.”

3) MY CHILDREN’S STEP-MOTHER – I am quickly learning that being a step-mother can sometimes put you in a precarious position. You love your step-kids with every ounce of your being, while knowing and appreciating that you are not their true parent. Then you face resistance from the other parent sometimes for showing too much love or for being too active in the lives of the step-kids… because you are “just their step-mother.”

My children’s step-mother is always there for my kids. She often picks them up after a full day of work to take them back home with her so they can go to a practice or spend the night. She takes fundraiser information to her office and tries to sell as much as she can. She throws birthday parties if they want to have them there. She has dealt with stomach viruses and lice and everything else… some of it even before she had a child of her own.

Essentially, she is their mother when they are with her… and I am thankful for someone who loves my kids as much as I do. We may not ALWAYS see eye to eye about everything, but no matter what I am thankful for the role that she plays in the lives of my children – OUR children.

So to Amy, “I APPRECIATE YOU.”

4) I also want to do a blanket appreciation to my kids, my family, my in-laws, my ex-in-laws, my ex-husband, my friends, my minister, the music ministry, my boss and my co-workers. These are all people who make my life a little easier every day in one way or another. Even the random folks on Facebook who I haven’t seen in twenty years but who make me smile and encourage me through the internet. I am thankful for every single one of you.

To all of you, “I APPRECIATE YOU.”

5) And most importantly, MY HUSBAND – I try to tell him how very much I appreciate him every single day. He goes above and beyond in absolutely everything he does – as a husband, a father, a Christian. Just like my father, he is kind to everyone and it is obviously well-noted by everyone because no matter where we go, people are quick to tell me how much they love Joe. I hear on Facebook constantly how he is “the nicest guy” and how lucky I am.

I am SO LUCKY to have him in my life

And I KNOW how lucky I am… because I have been in the dating world and I know without a doubt that there are no men like Joe out there. He loves my children as his own and he goes out of his way to be friendly to my children’s father. Yesterday he took my daughter to school and realized after he signed her in that she had not talked to her dad before school like she does every morning. Joe went back into the school, took her back out front and called her dad. Her dad appreciated it so much. That’s just the way Joe is… he knows how it feels to be a dad in a divorced situation and he couldn’t live with himself if he had even unknowingly not let her talk to her dad. Just like that, he amazes me daily with how wonderful his heart is…

So I plan to do everything in my power to make sure that he knows every single day how appreciated he is. Because I never intend to live a day without him in my life ever again.

Joe…. “I APPRECIATE YOU… MORE”

August 21, 2013

One of My Biggest Weaknesses May Actually Be One of My Biggest Strengths

I think my biggest weakness is that I require structure and routine. And when I say “require,” I mean CANNOT survive without it. Like EVER.

As much as I would like everyone to believe that I am a free-spirit, someone who can hop on a jet on a whim and travel wherever the hot deals will take me, I’m just not. I thrive on predictability. I like deadlines and schedules and consistency. My favorite time of the year? When the new calendars come out and I can start filling each box in with all of our “stuff.” My second favorite time of the year? Back to school.

When I was a first year law student at the ripe age of 35, my young classmates looked over my shoulder in awe at my calendar. One of the 22 year old guys behind me said incredulously, “Is your calendar (cough, cough) COLOR CODED?”

Yes, I am THAT girl.

And now that I have two more kids and a husband to keep track of, my obsessive need for planning and scheduling is in overdrive. This whole fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants summer may work for some people, but I am craving order and structure. Chaos makes me want to run and hide. It’s especially daunting right now since two kids are back in school but the other two are still living the carefree life of summer.

Yeah, I even have a copy of the tide chart when I go to the beach. Predictability…

I just want life to get back to normal. Is that too much to ask???

If you’re an anxious person, then you know what I am talking about. Predictability and structure and guidelines are what get you through the day. I have been like this since I was a child. All of my friends went to Camp Seafarer and loved it, but I went to Camp Thunderbird. At Thunderbird, you were given a schedule and they would tell you when you were supposed to move to the next activity. I thrived in that environment! One summer I decided to try Seafarer since it was closer to home and all of my friends went there. Seafarer, however, did not have the schedule. I was let loose and could do whatever activity I enjoyed. I was a wreck. I didn’t know where to go and I absolutely floundered. I couldn’t wait to get back to Camp Thunderbird the following summer.

My first summer at Camp Thunderbird

In high school, my roommate at boarding school can confirm that I was up until the wee hours of the night before a big paper was due, typing in the closet on my word processor. I would still be working on the paper right up until class time and then I would turn it in and get a good grade. If I attempted to write the paper well before it was due, then I could not focus. I needed the impending deadline to make myself get it done.

As an adult, I see this anxiousness come out when I do not have a plan. My mood is much better when there is a weekly menu and I would never in my life go to the grocery store without a list. I plan dinner parties or invite people over because that’s the best way to make me clean the house (gotta have that deadline!). As I have written previously, Joe knows that I need to know what time we are leaving the house, whether it’s for church or dinner or heading out of town on a trip. If I don’t have a schedule to work with, then I cannot possibly be ready on time. The absolute worst thing to say to me if you want something done is, “Just get to it when you can…” Because if I do not have a timeline, then it likely will not get done.

Weekly menu…

Over time though, I have learned that this structure I require is not always a bad thing. Although I often consider it a weakness, structure doesn’t have to be oppressive. There is a great sense of security that comes from a structured environment. There is little “unknown,” and it’s the “unknown” that can cause a great deal of anxiety for a person like me.

In January of 2012, I fainted in my driveway. When I say the word “faint” you may envision me crumbling to the ground, but that would be far from reality. I fell like a tree and my face was the only thing to break my fall – not my body or my shoulder – MY FACE. Straight into the pavement. I looked like someone had dragged me behind a car. The doctors ran all sorts of tests from MRI’s to CAT Scans to blood tests, but they never definitively could say why I fainted. As a result, the next few months of my life were truly my rock bottom. I lived every minute of every day afraid that I may faint again. Driving on the highway was terrible because I feared I would faint while driving and wreck. I had terrible anxiety during that time period all due to the “unknown.”

The unknown can be an exceptionally scary thing to face. For kids, the unknowns associated with the divorce of their parents can send them into a tailspin. This structure and routine that I have often viewed as my weakness can actually be a strength when viewed as a way to help people through situations where there is an unknown factor. For example, structure and routine can give children the ability to structure their own lives. If they know what is going to happen next, then they can take ownership of their schedule. It can become their own.

Having something that is their own can certainly be a major achievement when the chaos of divorce takes over in a family. We have found that in our home having regular routines – dinner together at the table, homework, calling their other parent, bedtime – gives the children confidence in what comes next. It’s like giving a three year old the countdown at the park, “We are leaving in TEN minutes,” “We are leaving in FIVE minutes,” “Wrap it up, we are leaving in one minute.” It helps to eliminate the stress of the unexpected. Children from an early age show that they respond better when they understand what is going to happen next. If you walk up to a three year old and say, “We are leaving the park NOW,” then you will be dragging a kicking and screaming child to the car.

I’m hoping that my need for structure and routine will be a comfort to all four of our kids as we transition into our new normal. Knowing what to expect and knowing what will happen next gives them less to worry about in an already stressful time. Our predictability can make them feel loved without fear of any more loss. We eliminate the unknowns and just focus on our family.

Maybe what I perceive as one of my biggest weaknesses can actually be my biggest strength in parenting our kids.

August 14, 2013

Be a Follower….

Dear loyal friends, family, lurkers and fans…

Three months ago I decided to close my old blog, “Life’s a Beach,” which was about my life as a single mother and transitioned to my new blog, “Life in a Blender,” which is about my life in a blended family. I have truly enjoyed all of the support of my readers and I welcome your messages and comments. My goal is to be an inspiration to others who may face the same issues that I have faced in the many facets of my life – divorce, single motherhood, remarriage.

WordPress shows me (as the admin for the page) how my readers are finding the blog and it appears there are those of you who actually daily go to Yahoo or Google and search for my blog by my name and/or the blog name.

The simplest thing to do is to “follow” my blog by clicking on the “follow” box in the bottom right hand corner of this page. The following pops up:

All you have to do is enter your email address and click “sign me up” and you will receive an email each time I post a blog.

My blog will be sent directly to your email address!!! No more searching. No more checking in to see if I have posted. You will receive it with no trouble for you. Then you can read it or delete it. Up to you.

Trust me, I know how busy life can be. This is just one way to save you a few minutes in your busy day. I usually say be a leader, but in this case… be a follower.

xoxo, me

P.S. Check me out on FB too: Life in a Blender

August 14, 2013

The Name is Not the Only Change…

I have been married for over three months now and I have finally gotten my name changed on about half of the things that need to be changed. This name change stuff is exhausting. I swore I would never change it again after I went back to my maiden name in 2009.

But here I am. With a new last name.

After my divorce, I wanted to change back to my maiden name but my kids didn’t support it. So for five years I kept my married last name when my maiden name would have probably helped my success in business in my hometown. Once I got into law school, I approached my kids again about changing my name. My ex-husband had remarried so I told my kids, “There is a Mrs. Ramsey now… and it is not me.” At that point, they agreed to the change and I went through the laborious process of changing my name on everything. I even had to throw out my monogrammed bags and towels.

Now, over three months after getting married, I am still struggling with saying my new last name. I actually have to pause and think when I sign my name. I guess the fluid signature will come someday – until then I have a stutter in my signature.

The name change is not the only thing I am having to get used to. We have been without children since last Friday night so we have taken advantage of many date nights since then. Monday night we decided to meet for dinner and drinks after Joe’s softball game. I got to the restaurant before him and got seated. The waiter asked who I was waiting for and I said, “Joe…… well, my husband.” It was an awkward moment because I am just not used to saying “my husband.” The funny part about it was that when Joe got there he laughed and told me, “It was funny saying I was meeting my wife. I still can’t believe it.”

Talking about the kids has also become more challenging. I have four kids now. It is no longer “Joe’s kids” and “my kids” – they are “our kids.” I am making a true effort to get this straight because it’s important to both Joe and me that we are no longer “us” and “them.” It’s “we” now.

I can’t believe it either. I can’t believe how blessed we are to have this new amazing party of six. I can’t believe that for the first time in my life (other than my parents, of course) I have someone who wants to take care of me. Someone who wakes up in the morning and wants to get me coffee, offers to iron anything for me to wear to work, and cooks us breakfast. He is a caretaker and it is the most comforting feeling in the world to know that I am no longer alone.

I cried a few nights ago watching one of my new guilty pleasures, Tyler Perry’s The Haves and the Have Nots. The matriarch of the Haves has cancer and was talking about being alone. I had this overwhelming feeling of sadness for her because I have been there. I remember the hopeless feeling of worrying if something happened to me while my kids were gone then no one would know for days on end. I know how bad alone can feel when you don’t want to be there.

With all that being said, it has been an amazing three months. I cannot wait to spend the rest of our lives together and I cannot wait to have a whole house of grandkids around (not anytime soon, of course). It’s still shocking to believe that I now share the name of the guy who dated my best friend in high school. I would have never believed this 23 years ago, but I am so thankful that God has brought us back together.

While it may be tough getting my name changed on everything, I am proud of my new last name and am so thankful for the man who gave it to me.

Life in a Blender…

Finding our "New Normal" — together

Blended Families