While everyone else in the family is adjusting well with the new changes since our wedding last weekend, my nerves are not…
My good friends know that I have always had anxiety issues. I tend to worry about things that do not need to be worried about and my thoughts get consumed with things I need to forget. I have worked hard over the years to calm my anxious heart.
The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Though an army besiege me, my heart shall not fear; though war break out against me, even then, I will still be confident. (Psalm 27: 1, 3)
My anxiety does not spring from doubt, but it comes from change… If you have anxiety you know that your life works much better when you have a routine. I am calmed and find peace through predictability. My calendar is color coded and detailed. Joe knows that when we are going somewhere I have to know exactly what time we are leaving the house. I will be ready at that exact moment. Some would find all of the planning and organizing to be maddening, but for a person who has anxiety…
STRUCTURE BRINGS PEACE.
There is no doubt that this change in my life is GOOD CHANGE… but Joe coughed two nights ago after I had fallen asleep and I leapt out of the bed like I was going to shield my flock from who knows what. After sleeping the last nine years with one ear always listening for the killers trying to get in I just can’t change overnight! I have been the protector of my children (although we know who the real protector is), so it is hard to give over the reigns to Joe to be the protector. Thankfully I have faith in the man he is and I know that he will take over that position with great pride.
Most importantly, the thing that brings me the greatest peace is God… I have spent a lot of time in prayer over the last week. Praying that He will keep His hand on us throughout this process… praying that He will keep happiness in the hearts of the children… praying that He will be ever-present in our marriage. And I have had to pray at night for him to slow my mind so that I can fall asleep… Joe held me last night as we prayed together and I fell asleep within seconds. There are no coincidences.
The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. (Psalm 145: 18-19)
With each passing day I am feeling stronger and more at ease – accepting our new normal step by step. Maybe next week when Joe walks up behind me in the kitchen while I am making my coffee I won’t jump out of my skin when I turn around and he is there…
Until that day I will remember:
Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)