25

I Will Never Be The Mother I Want To Be…

I had the best childhood. It wasn’t perfect, but it was pretty darn close. My parents were together and my mother was a stay-at-home mom. We got off the bus and my friends would come over to my house to eat popcorn or cookies that my mom made before we arrived. Even during the holidays when we were in college, everyone came to my house to congregate before going out. She would always have pimento cheese and other appetizers for us to eat.

My mother was ever-present. I can’t always remember everything about my childhood, but I know my mother was always there. Even if she was giving us our space when I had friends over (which was a lot), her presence was still known. She would pop in every once in a while to see if we needed anything or to ask if we needed her to take us somewhere.

Even through boarding school and college, my mom was there for me. It was before cell phones (well, unless you call a bag phone a cell phone), so she wrote me a lot of letters and we talked a lot. I would look forward to the holidays when I would go home and we would sit around the dinner table laughing and telling stories until at least midnight!

Because of this pretty idyllic childhood, I have had expectations of the kind of mother that I wanted to be. I too wanted to be the mom who was able to be home when my kids got home, with popcorn and cookies for their friends. I had full intentions of being that same “ever-present mom” that my mother was.

Divorce robbed that from me.

I have never written about this because the emotions have been so raw, but my world turned upside down when my son casually said, “Mom, can we talk about something?” He was finishing up 8th grade and had lived primarily with me for the past ten years of his life. He said he wanted to go live with his dad for high school. I was devastated and I did not handle it with the grace and calmness that I would have liked. After visiting the school, his dad and I took him to lunch to discuss the decision with him. As I held back my tears, I told him that I would support him.

Since that time, my son has thrived in this new environment. He is a sophomore and he has a high GPA and excels in basketball. I thought I had come to terms with it all until recently when my daughter expressed her desire to also go to high school where her brother is. All of the emotions, hurt, and rejection came flooding back to me. Everything I had just tucked away so that I wouldn’t have to think about it or feel it was fresh and raw and painful.

I was devastated yet again. When asked why I was so upset about it, I said I felt rejected. I felt like my children didn’t want to be with me. I couldn’t stand the thought of another woman spending more time with my children than I would. I FELT LIKE A BAD MOTHER.

There it is. I felt like a bad mother. I felt like I was losing my children. Although I would still have them one night a week and every other weekend (and can still see them at practices and games), I felt like I was a bad mom because I couldn’t be the “ever-present mother” I wanted to be. I questioned why I had worked so hard to ensure my children had a good relationship with their father, only to have him take them from me. Why had I driven an hour and a half every Wednesday night for five years for the kids to have dinner with their dad? I did what any other crazy mother would do and I started searching MLS to find a house out in the country where their dad lives.

Then one night I talked to my daughter about my feelings and she said, “Mom, you will always be my mom, no matter what!” And something clicked in me… She was right.

A few days later, Joe and I walked on the beach together and talked about everything. We were deep in conversation and walked a lot longer than we anticipated, but I needed that walk. And it was appropriate that it happened on the beach because for me the beach represents our future and hopefulness. Joe and I look forward to the day when it’s just the two of us and we can move to the beach full-time.

On the beach, Joe helped me come to the realization that I WILL NEVER BE THE MOTHER I WANT TO BE. That’s a tough pill to swallow, but it’s true. Things change in divorce – custody, remarriage, and new families – but the one thing that didn’t change was my expectation of what kind of mother I wanted to be.

That expectation was killing me inside.

I realized that day that although I will never be the mother that I want to be, I can be the best mother that I can be in the situation that I am in.

I must say that since I released those expectations of what a “mother” looks like, I have been so much happier, but more importantly, I have been able to be a better mother to my kids. I have started working on me and how to be the best I can to help our kids through the circumstances they face with divorced parents. My kids aren’t CHOOSING to be away from me, they just want to be fair since they have spent so much time so far in their lives away from their dad.

I’m looking forward to the day when they come home from college and we can sit around the table and laugh until midnight, but I now recognize that it may not happen as often as I would like since we will be sharing time with another set of parents. But that’s ok… I now have realistic expectations and a confidence that I will ALWAYS be their mom. No matter what.

There are NO Winners…

A common theme I have noticed in divorce situations is the desire between the exes to prove who is “the winner” and who is “the loser.” The conclusion I have reached is that if there are two parents who want to prove that they are the winner, then although the winner may be inconclusive… the loser is certain.

The KIDS are the losers.

Why do people have this innate desire to WIN? I know winning brings a feeling of euphoria, but why do these people choose this particular circumstance to try to win when the balance in the lives of their own children is the high price that is at stake?

The truth of the matter is that in divorce there are no winners. As I have written numerous times in the past, we are adults and we can get over ourselves and the situation. However, our ENTIRE focus should be on keeping things as balanced and normal as possible for our kids.

When I hear a child say, “I don’t want both parents there because that’s just weird,” then I immediately know that his or her parents handled the divorce wrong. Of course, this is assuming that there is no abuse present and that both parents are otherwise well-functioning people. The kids whose parents have put their own agendas aside for their kids are the kids who are comfortable loving both mom and dad, even in the same place – school performances, games, birthday parties. It’s the kids whose parents have tried their best to alienate their ex or undermine their ex who just want to avoid any contact between their parents because they know it won’t end well.

I get angry even as I type that because I just can’t understand how anyone who is any kind of a parent at all can purposefully put themselves and their own agenda above the happiness and security of their own children. I think those sad individuals are the ones who were probably never given role models on how to correctly behave in divorce situations. And I’ll take that even further to say they probably had no role model on how to be a respectable adult either.

Listen to your children. If they are not comfortable being near you both or they try to avoid situations where they have to invite you both to events, then YOU HAVE FAILED. You may feel like a winner because you have successfully convinced anyone who will listen how terribly you were wronged and how they too should despise your ex. Sorry, you can hang up your white hat because you don’t deserve it.

With that being said, it’s never too late to right the wrongs of the past.

Seek help. Even if your ex is unwilling, then you and your spouse need to attend co-parenting counseling on how to best help return some normalcy in the lives of your children. Therapists can be a great resource. I’ve gotten calls from two different friends who have recently started going to counseling with their ex and they both bring their spouses. If you can’t imagine doing that, then you need to rethink your priorities. In my opinion, those four couples are WINNERS. They are putting aside their own comfort to ensure the happiness of their children.

I’m excited about the future in our lives as we work hard to right the wrongs. At least I can go to bed at night and know that through it all we have given it our best. I’m hopeful. The kids deserve normalcy since they didn’t ask to go on this roller coaster with us. I want our kids to be the winners… even if it’s our expense.

What are you willing to do to fix your parenting failures??????

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My Father’s Mother

This may end up being a jumbled mess of just words, but they are my thoughts that are overflowing from my heart the day after Thanksgiving. Yesterday was such a day of juxtaposition for me. Thanksgiving is a day of family and joy and gratefulness, but at the same time we started the day at a Turkey Trot to support childhood cancer while some old friends’ daughter is in pediatric ICU fighting for her life… then there was the typical teenage angst drama with our boys… all culminating with the death of my father’s mother last night.

You may wonder why I say “my father’s mother” as if I don’t really know her. Honestly, it’s because I don’t. Not like I should. My father was adopted as a baby by my grandparents, Revie and DeRoche Vincent. They were clearly wonderful parents because my father turned out to be, well… Charles Vincent. “The Honorable” Charles Vincent. And it is easy to say he was honorable well before he became a judge. I’m not naive enough to believe my dad is perfect. I am sure there have been missteps along the way and things in life he may regret, but he was raised to be an honest, kind and loving gentleman. There truly aren’t many like him around. He brought so much happiness to my grandmother and granddaddy. I feel confident in saying their pride in him was strong even in both of their last breaths.

While I could claim that grandmother and granddaddy did it alone, I can’t. After meeting my father’s birth mother and her family, I realize that genetics is even stronger than I knew. I always believed in nurture over nature… until I met them.

My dad had always wondered about his birth family, but it wasn’t until after the death of my grandparents (and with my grandmother’s blessing to do so) that he really start looking for them. He had gone to the Children’s Home to get information previously and saw from across the desk that his birth family lived in Virginia. He and my mom made many trips to the area for weekends to visit and dad would just look at the people in Floyd and wonder if they shared the same eyes or the same mouth. One trip to Floyd, VA they got a little side tracked and ended up pulling into a church parking lot to look at the map. Little did dad know what that church would end up meaning to him.

In 2008, prepared with pointed questions just like he would be prepared for interrogating a witness, he went back to the Children’s Home. He learned that he was actually born in Winston-Salem, NC and he had always been searching for his birth certificate in Virginia. Within 24 hours the investigator had located my father’s birth certificate. The miracle in this is that they used to pull off the birth certificate so there should not have been a record of it, but there was an error on his original, so they created TWO – one of which was still in the record books. We knew the name of his birth mother.

I was in Pinehurst for the week with my parents when we got a copy of his birth certificate. I jumped on my laptop and started searching. I found a pastor of a church in Virginia who had a mother with the same name and when his picture popped up we just KNEW. Mom and dad made a trip that weekend to the church to hear the man who could be his brother preach. When they pulled up, they realized it was the exact same church where they had stopped years before to look at the map!

It was a small church, but the people were very welcoming and dad spoke to some of the people around him. He asked if the pastor’s mother went to the church and he couldn’t believe it when they said she was living but lived in Martinsville. After the service, mom and dad shook hands with the minister and left. Mom said it was such an odd feeling to see dad shaking hands with a man who clearly resembled him. As an adopted child, he was not accustomed to having anyone (other than his kids) “resemble” him.

Dad mailed the minister a letter and asked to meet with him after the service the following Sunday. He said he could call him if he wanted to talk before then. The minister called and dad introduced himself and he told the minister that he was adopted but he thought they may have the same mother. The response that came was better than dad could have ever imagined… the minister said, “We have been waiting for you. Our mother is going to be so happy.” The following Sunday they had a “homecoming” at the church for my dad.

They have embraced our family as part of their own. Dad has five brothers and one sister. Since their family has reunited they have already suffered the loss of the oldest brother. Last night, his mother went to be with the Lord.

My regret is that I did not get to know her like I should have. I was unable to spend the time to get to know her over the past few years because of everything going on in my life, but admittedly I had a little internal struggle with my loyalty to my grandparents which probably got in the way of my efforts.

I have heard that “Grandma” was an amazing storyteller with a great sense of humor. She was also a peaceful person who could teach you a lesson without yelling or condemnation. Everyone who knew her said it was a blessing just to be in her presence. They said her love was abundant and her faith was unwavering even through some terrible hardships in her life.

This morning as I sit here thinking about her death, I realize that if she was like my father in so many ways, then I have truly missed out on getting to know an amazing person. My father may be a judge, but if anyone has ever been in front of him in court they know that he judges the facts… he never judges the person. He uses experience and stories to teach lessons to the defendants in his courtroom and his children and grandchildren. And just like his mother, he loves the Lord with all his heart.

I’m being very vulnerable as I type this through tears this morning, but I want others to realize that life is too short. We need to love others every day and don’t miss the chance to get to know or love someone just because you are “too busy.” We are all busy, but we could miss out on a chance to catch a shooting star. My heart is heavy this morning knowing I missed my chance.

Although I may not have had her throughout my life as my Grandma, she is teaching me lessons now through her death. She has taught me to put my family first… ALWAYS. She has taught me to love others unconditionally and to show them that love every day. You don’t have to say “I love you” over and over if you daily live a life that shows those you love that you do. She has taught me to be selfless and to love God with all my heart. She has made me want to strive to be the person that she was to her family so that I too can have a legacy like she has.

I am so thankful for her today and always. She was my father’s mother… and I love her for that. Nov. 23, 1924- Nov. 27, 2015

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That’s my dad sitting next to his mother surrounded by his siblings. I love how happy he looks…

 

2010

The Struggle Of Communicating With Parents Who Don’t Communicate

This blog was originally posted on Carolina Parent Magazine’s website.

It’s that time of year again… the time when most parents rejoice and most kids moan. Back to school! After about 10 weeks of no bedtimes, sodas with dinner, and phones kept in bedrooms at night, the dreaded (or welcomed, depending on whom you ask) routine returns. The past couple of weeks have been tough in our house because the kids are fighting us tooth and nail regarding rules that they followed just fine only a couple of months ago. It’s also a tough time because with new schedules and routines, there is a lot of information that must be shared between parents. This sharing of information can often be a struggle for many divorced families.

I write a lot about the importance of communication in the co-parenting situation. Everyone knows it is best for the kids for their parents to do what they can to get along. Keeping secrets from the other parent and/or keeping them out of the loop when it comes to school performances or doctor’s visits puts the children in the middle. I have said a million times that forcing children to choose a side is very harmful and will have lasting effects on them.

While the struggle may be real for the children and parents, people often fail to realize that it’s a tough time for teachers and principals as well. Last weekend I was sitting out at a practice for one of my kids and someone asked me what I was doing. I told her that I was working on a blog for back to school in divorced families, but I couldn’t think of what to write about that was not already done. I had a principal on one side of me and a teacher on the other side and they shared with me how hard it is to deal with parents who don’t communicate with each other. That is a point of view I had not considered. Here are some of the points they made:

MISPLACED ANGER The parents are often so angry with each other, that if they are left off of an email or left out of a meeting, then they immediately attack the teacher or principal. If you are in a blended or divorced family, help the teachers out by always copying your ex on emails regarding the children. If you get a response and see that the teacher inadvertently left off the other parent, forward the message to the other parent. You may not like that person, but they have a right to be completely involved. It’s what is best for the children.

MORE WORK FOR TEACHERS Parents who can’t communicate are the ones who insist that the teacher make two copies of everything to be sent home or they require two separate meetings because they don’t want to sit at the same table with each other… even though it’s about the kids and not about them. The teacher I spoke to said it requires so much more work to make sure everyone stays informed. There are ways that you can help make things easier on the teachers. What my ex and I do is whoever signs the syllabus or report card scans a copy and sends it to the other immediately. That way we are kept informed and the teacher doesn’t have to do extra work. We also make sure that if one of us attends an Open House and the other one doesn’t, then we are sure to put both of our names and email addresses on all lists. Another thing we do is if one of us fills out a permission form, we always put the other parent as the emergency contact. It’s common courtesy to include the other parent whenever you complete any form for your child.

THE PAIN OF BEING PUT IN THE MIDDLE When a parent emails a teacher and shares information but does not copy the other parent, it puts the teacher in a very uncomfortable situation of not knowing what he/she can share with the other parent if then contacted separately. From what they told me, many parents will get angry with the teacher for sharing something with the other parent. It’s often much simpler for the teacher is everyone is copied on all emails and everyone attends all meetings. It eliminates the possibility of misinterpretation.

While all of these ideas are good in an ideal situation, they did acknowledge that sometimes if the parents are extremely difficult and are absolutely unable to put their own issues aside for the best interest of their child, then it can actually be better to have separate meetings because it keeps the conflict down and eliminates any he said/she said. However, you should do whatever you can do to not be one of those high conflict divorces. Try to help the teachers and school administrators by putting your differences aside to communicate for the kids. If you can’t do it for the teachers, then just focus on doing it for your children. Never forget that studies show that it is always best for your children for you to keep controversy to a minimum. The kids are not the only ones who will benefit.

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Everything Else is Just Gravy…

“Everything else is just gravy…”

I have used that phrase more times than I care to admit. I’m not sure if it’s southern thing or if it’s just a saying that has been used FOREVER, but it’s fun to use because it has such great meaning. To me, I think it refers to everything beyond what is required… or something that is above or beyond what is necessary. It’s always good though, DEFINITELY good. I mean, who can say anything bad about gravy?

We may need the meat and potatoes to make a meal, but the gravy on top is just the perfect addition to make it something special.

When I started using Isagenix, I kept telling people that I loved the product because it gave me a tremendous amount of energy, and “the weight loss is just gravy.” Then when I would enroll friends I would say, “I just want to get my products paid for… everything else is just gravy.” Once I started making money in the business, I started telling people that I have a full time job I love, but “my Isagenix income is just gravy.”

I have found that on top of all of the amazing physical changes in my life since starting Isagenix – energy out of the roof (but not nervous energy), weight loss (20 lbs), great sleep (waking up rested and energized), and beautiful skin – I have had some great emotional changes as well. I have noticed I am much calmer in everything I do now (dropped two medications out of my life) and my perspective in general has improved.

Now I know I have always been pretty much annoyingly optimistic…. but yeah, it has gotten even worse.

I passed this sign on my way to my parking garage yesterday and I just had to stop to take the picture, because I thought of writing this blog:

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Life is ALL GRAVY…….

It hit me immediately that lately I have still let the little things get to me. I’ve let inconsequential people hurt my feelings. I have talked incessantly about a wrong that I felt had been done to a loved one. I felt broken inside because my kids are spending every other week with their dad (like they do every summer). I had been convincing myself that I was fine, but I had forgotten something so important… I was making happiness in my life just gravy. I wasn’t making it the most important thing. Happiness had become a by-product of other things, but was not my focus anymore.

WHAT?

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I was so disappointed in myself. That one sign made me realize that LIFE is to be celebrated! We can’t just celebrate the little extras, but we need to focus on celebrating everything.

When I think about my dashingly handsome husband who regularly surprises me with sweet texts and flowers and tells me daily how I am the most beautiful woman in the world (God knew who I needed in my life after my first marriage and He found Joe)…

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or when I think about our kids and the happiness they bring me even when they are the spoiled rotten selfish teenage kids that they wholeheartedly are…

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or when I think about my beautiful parents and my brother and his family and how blessed I was to grow up in such a supportive, loving, and idyllic life…

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or when I think about the friends that God has blessed me with who are there for me regardless and always listen to me and who introduce me to (and let me introduce to them) this amazing nutritional cleansing system that helped me do this in 30 days (THANKS JULIE).

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I can’t help but remember that LIFE IS A BLESSING. And just like gravy, life is all of the amazing, saucy goodness. Sit down now and start counting your blessings. Your entire perspective will change and you may end up being that annoying woman who smiles all the time at the gym and weirds people out (at least that’s what my son told me). I can’t help it I smile all the time!!!! It certainly beats the alternative….

There is one thing for sure…. my life IS all gravy.

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My 30 Day Journey…

Let me preface this by saying this blog is really REAL. I’m being more honest than I would probably like to be on the Wide World Web, but here it goes…

Life has always had its ups and downs for me. Some people erroneously believe that just because I smile all of the time that it means I am happy all the time. That’s just wrong. Even yesterday as I was driving through one of the worst downpours I have ever driven through, my daughter said, “Why are you smiling?” It’s just what I do.

While things have indeed been pretty much idyllic since March of 2012 when Joe and I reconnected through Facebook, my life is far from smooth sailing. As I have said over and over, thankfully our relationship is solid and even through everything I encounter, Joe is always my beacon through the fog. However, nothing prepared me for last April when I pulled into my driveway and my son said, “Mom, can I talk to you about something?” My innocent reply was, “Of course you can, baby…”

He proceeded to explain to me the reasons why he felt he should go to high school where his dad lives and why he should spend more time with his dad. Needless to say I was blindsided and didn’t handle that moment with the grace and fruit of the spirit like I would have liked. After going to visit the school and sitting down with his dad, I did the most selfless thing I think I have ever done in my life and I said, “I’ll support whatever your decision is, but please know your father and I won’t judge you if you decide you didn’t make the right decision.”

Tears soon followed for me… and they were UGLY tears. I remember sitting on the side of my bed as I was supposed to be getting ready to go to dinner with Joe. I couldn’t stop crying. Just when I thought I had pulled myself together, I would sit back down and heave some more. I called my doctor the next day and he put me on Lexapro. It quickly turned everything around for me. I was able to handle the outside stress a lot better, but I unfortunately found out that with the happy feelings that had returned, I was also steadily gaining weight. Because I had knee surgery a few months prior (right after my 40th birthday!!), exercise was still a challenge.  Plus the Lexapro made me so sleepy. Or at least I thought it was the Lexapro. I went for my physical and discovered that my thyroid was underactive.

It was January when I started seeing old friends from high school who were having success on a Nutritional Cleansing System. I listened as one friend told me about it and I thought it was too good to be true and too expensive. I had done Weight Watchers online for a couple of months but had only continued to gain weight, so I went to see a Nutritionist so I could try to lose on my own without spending the money. We did a metabolic test and she told me that my metabolism is fast and that I actually burn more calories in a resting state than the average woman. She told me how many calories to have to lose weight and she guided me on my food choices. I thought for sure counting my calories and exercising would do the trick, but I admittedly was still adjusting my calories so I could have a couple of glasses of wine at night at dinner (my biggest meal of the day). The scale kept creeping up…

IMG_4747In March I decided enough was enough. My friend Julie, who I have not seen since high school, started telling me all about this system. It again sounded too good to be true, but the more we talked I found out that I knew a lot of people who were using Isagenix. They all looked great and sang praises on Facebook of how good they felt and how amazing the products were. I was SUCH A SKEPTIC! I told Julie that I felt like she was trying to make me join a cult. I honestly thought that I would enroll and they would give me pages of quotes to use and things to say because it just seemed impossible that everyone I know REALLY likes the products this much. She kept contacting me about it until I finally realized that 1) I am clearly having no success losing the weight on my own, 2) I’m tired of being tired, 3) I have nothing to lose since you can get a refund if you are not happy with the product anytime in the first 30 days.

So I ordered the 30 day system.  Best decision for me I have made in a long time…

I couldn’t wait to receive my order and it felt like Christmas when that huge box full of goodies arrived. Julie and I talked (because since she enrolled me, she is my “Coach”) and she walked me through the products and explained day by day what I would be doing. She asked if I would be interested in sharing the products with others and I told her point blank, “I WILL NOT share this with anyone unless I learn on my own it’s the real deal. If it indeed does everything that you say it does, then I will shout it from the Facebook mountaintop!!”

Day 1 went well. I LOVED the taste of the shakes and I liked how the Ionix Supreme made me forget that I was giving up two of my loves in life… COFFEE & WINE. I had 1/4 cup of raw almonds as a mid-morning snack and had a yummy 400-600 calorie snack of chicken, brown rice, and a side salad. For an afternoon snack I had some fruit and low fat cheese, then had another shake for dinner. I went to bed completely satisfied and feeling great. Day 2 was pretty rough due to caffeine withdrawals, but I made it through by drinking over 100 ounces of water (you must drink at least half of your weight in ounces of water, so I drank even more). Day 3 was also rough because I could barely keep my eyes open. I literally thought I was going to fall asleep while sitting straight up in front of my computer at work. Again, I drank a ton of water and went to bed early. Then the strangest thing happened… I woke up at 5:45am the next morning and felt ready for my day.

You need to understand that I do not usually like to see the light of day, well, before there is light… I have always required over 8 hours of sleep and it was a struggle DAILY to wake up before 7:15am. I also noticed that I was already losing weight and feeling leaner – in FOUR DAYS. I couldn’t believe it. By day 5 I realized that this stuff was like the magic elixir for all that had been ailing me!!!!  That’s when I decided I would start telling people about it.

Ten days in I was down 9 lbs and 7.5 inches. And it only continued to get better and better. Even though it’s not recommended that you weigh yourself regularly (actually a lot of people recommend throwing the scale away all together since it’s about transforming your body with lean muscle), I was so excited to see the scale going down every day. I couldn’t believe I had been so worried about the money when, on day 14, I decided to add up how much I spent on restaurants, wine, and groceries in the two weeks prior to starting Isagenix and how much I spent the two weeks since I started.  I had already saved $257 in two weeks! Not to mention that my friends were really seeing a difference and I had already starting enrolling friends to join in my journey. I signed up four friends and made enough money to cover the first 30 days. Not only was I eating for free, but I was SAVING money!!

The success continued and I started seeing that not only did I have more energy when I woke up around 6am every morning, but my workouts started improving drastically. I have even started running again! I saw my mom the other day for the first time in a couple of weeks and she couldn’t believe how radiant my skin looks. In addition to all of these amazing benefits, I have even noticed my lips seem plumper?!?!? WHAT?????

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I am proud to say that I have been proven wrong. This is not a cult… it is an amazing nutritional system that has truly changed my life. I am NOT starving. I am consuming between 1400-1500 calories a day between two snacks (sometimes three if my workout it hard or if I workout more than once) and one healthy meal. I feel like I can accomplish so much more because of the tremendous energy this system gives me (I have anxiety and am very sensitive to the jitters, so I can tell you that what I am experiencing is energy not nervousness). As of today, only 30 days after I started, I have lost 13 pounds and 15.5 inches. That’s fantastic since I didn’t have much to lose. And today, on day 30, I ran for 35 minutes with my daughter and even did 4 X 100m sprints!!!!

Due to my success and my belief in the products, I have decided to continue using Isagenix and am even getting my family to join the fun. That’s the beauty of these products, you can use them however you need to. I know people who are doing the program to lose weight. I know some who are doing it to gain weight. I have a friend who wants to do it because she feels like she doesn’t get proper nutrition since she is always chasing around her 1 year old. My kids are all athletes, so they can drink the shakes as extra protein after a workout. My husband has even decided to try it. Everyone close to me sees what a change it is making in my life and they want a part of it.

Not only am I continuing to use Isagenix, but I am able to enroll anyone who is interested. If you can convince two friends to sign up with you, then you can start out instantly making money. So not only are you getting healthy, but you are starting your own business which can be whatever you make it. This is not a pyramid scheme, it is network marketing with a well laid out compensation plan. It’s not about who gets in first, because you are able to earn more money that someone who came in a year before you if you dedicate yourself to sharing the product with others.

I am so excited about the changes Isagenix has brought into my life – the energy, the weight loss, the calm way I approach stressors now. I’m even in the process of weaning off my medicine so I can live medicine free! I haven’t even missed the other things that I had to give up and I have replaced them with such healthy habits. I have become so much smarter with my food choices. The kicker is that I went to see my Nutritionist the other day and following my appointment she sent me a recap which said, “Continue the Isagenix regimen.” I am excited to know that she is endorsing my lifestyle change!

Spicy shrimp on a sweet potato with brussels sprouts! I love planning my meals!!!

Spicy shrimp on a sweet potato with brussels sprouts! I love planning my meals!!!

If you are interested, there is a ton of info on the internet… While some of it may be negative, all I can say is that it is clearly working for me!!!! If you are interested in learning more, please email me at ournewpartyofsix@gmail.com and we can arrange a time to talk. My website is http://valeriedeloach.isagenix.com, but please talk to me to enroll to ensure you get the best deal in case there are any promotions!!!

YAY CHRISTMAS JAMMIES!!!

‘Tis the Season

Christmas is a holiday of extremes…

It is a holiday of extreme EATING. We have what is called the “12 Days of Christmas” at our office (as pictured below) where for the twelve business days leading up to our Christmas vacation time, different people bring a meal in for everyone to enjoy. My group is preparing brunch for the office next Friday. We eat and eat and eat throughout the holiday season and then vow to do whatever we can to get the weight off by bathing suit season. Stupid bathing suits…

EVERY DAY for 12 days...

Food, food, and more food…… EVERY DAY AT WORK.

For most the holiday season is a time of extreme SPENDING. Buying gifts for family and friends can be rather costly and some people go overboard… not to mention the expense of decorating the house (which I admittedly went overboard this year and am dreading taking everything down after Christmas!) and the high cost of pretty Christmas cards. It can be rather ridiculous how much we spend and then we have to work extra hard to save money in the new year.

Emotions run high during the holidays too and so the extremes there are either true happiness or true sadness. For some, the holidays remind them of lost love or the dissolution of their marriage. As I have written before, it is very hard for some who have to spend half of the holidays without their children. I have been divorced for ten years and it doesn’t ever get easier to not have my kids with me.

This Christmas has been different for me though.  I offered to have my office’s holiday party at my house this year. Because of that commitment, I started decorating for Christmas before Thanksgiving. I put up three Christmas trees and decorated every available space as tastefully as possible. Most people said I was crazy to host 50+ people in my home less than two weeks before Christmas, but as an adult with ADD, I have THRIVED with this looming deadline!

I got to work early on decorations and even purchased as many Christmas presents as I could. Because I knew my time would be limited, I worked hard under the deadline and was SO HAPPY in the process. Rather than let it stress me out, I chose to embrace it and enjoy every second of it. The decorations bring joy to my heart as soon as I wake up in the morning until I walk around turning candles off in all the windows at night. It has caused me to be filled with the Christmas spirit, which is so easy to forget about when you are a divorced parent.

Yes, I even set up a fake little tree in my bedroom and am enjoying looking at it while sitting in bed writing this morning!

Yes, I even set up a fake little tree in my bedroom and am enjoying looking at it while sitting in bed writing this morning!

I am re-posting my Christmas Wish post from last Christmas, because it is a great reminder, but I also want to encourage you all to immerse yourself in Christmas this year. Focus on the holiday spirit and what it all means, even if it’s hard to do. It’s true that we are as happy as we make up our minds to be, so MAKE UP YOUR MIND TO BE HAPPY this Christmas!!! Wrap your kids up tonight and lay in the yard and look for shooting stars. Choose a charity to help this Christmas. The kids can learn from an early age how good it feels to give to those less fortunate. Go to a Christmas show with your kids. We have a family tradition of going to a Christmas show every year and this year we have gone to TWO!! I cheesily smile through the entire show. If you can’t afford tickets to a show, then look at all of the free Christmas activities in your area. I know around here there are places you can go look at Christmas lights and there are free festivals. Play Christmas music in the car or in your home while cooking dinner. Whatever you do, make sure you are focusing on your family and making memories for your kids. You don’t want them to suffer because you are “not feelin’ it this year.”

Here is my blog, My Christmas Wish List for Divorced Families, published on 12/22/13 by the Huffington Post.

My wish for you THIS Christmas is that you focus on the SPIRIT of Christmas and feel the JOY that goes along with that. If you aren’t feeling that joy, then try to figure out what you can do differently to try to find it. Remember the wonder you felt as a child at Christmastime? You can have that feeling again if you just BELIEVE.

Here are some pics of my house this Christmas to help get you started on this journey of extreme happiness this Christmas. ENJOY MY CHRISTMAS PICS!!!!

Stress Management For The Working Mother

Originally posted today on the Huffington Post… http://www.huffingtonpost.com/valerie-deloach/stress-management-for-the_b_6139470.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce

The compliment I receive the most about my writing is that I am honest (to a fault) and that I give my readers empathy. By reading my blog, you feel that you aren’t alone. Some of you even admit that I make you feel more normal because my crazy life makes you feel better about your own situation. So overall, I guess it’s my relatability to my readers that keeps a lot of you coming back for more.

With that being said, if you relate to what I am about to write, then I will apologize in advance. Wholeheartedly… I’m sorry.

Recently our office had a doctor come in to talk about “Stress Management.” It seems whenever someone talks to me about stress I think, “I don’t really have any major stress in my life.” Then reality punches me in the face when I think about everything I face on a daily basis. Sure I don’t have any MAJOR stressors in my life, but when you have ten million small stressors, then it begins to add up significantly.

Of course some may view this as stress… others of us just view it as another normal week for a working mom in a blended family.

We have four kids at four different schools with two different custody schedules. Not to mention piano, tutoring, soccer, cross country, basketball and two girls playing tennis. Two kids had school pictures last week, which meant haircuts. Plus the end of the month in my husband’s job is exceptionally busy. He and I both will probably spend at least eight hours in the car this week carpooling kids. Every week is tough logistically, but I am proud to say we are surviving.

Although lately I haven’t handled my anxiety well, I feel like I do have plenty of coping mechanisms in place to manage my stress. As a working mom, this is what I rely on to get through the week.

1) Get By With A Little Help From Your Friends

I usually feel like I have a firm grasp on my emotions, but the past two weeks has been tough. I am not proud of it, but I have not handled my emotions well. I have yelled, I have cried, and I have overall been VERY short tempered. I met a friend for a margarita the other night and I filled her in on all of the crazy in my life the past two weeks and she said, “Val, no wonder you are struggling! That’s a lot!” Just talking everything out with her made me feel so much better. Having friends who validate you can be just what you need.

On Friday, I came home to a present at my back door:

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After hearing about my week, my sister-in-law was sweet enough to leave me a “just because” gift. When we have friends who constantly remind us of our worth, then we are rich indeed.

2) PLAN, PLAN, & PLAN SOME MORE

IMG_1941Many working moms cause themselves unnecessary stress by not being prepared for the week. As a result, they are frantically running around last minute just trying to get by. I admit I am a freak when it comes to planning, but it helps me keep my sanity!

Each week I email my babysitters a detailed email about where they need to be and when with the kids. I then copy the same email and add (in red ink) exactly where my husband Joe needs to be and when. On his email I add the weekly menu and what I will need him to do. It is truly an act of team work, but when everyone knows where they need to be, then I don’t have to worry about it.

I also suggest that you include the kids by putting a detailed calendar on the wall in your kitchen (or other centrally located place). You can even involve the other parents by creating and sharing a Google calendar. My ex-husband, his wife, my husband, our kids, and I all share a Google calendar. We can all access the calendar on our cell phones and know all important information regarding the children, even when they are not with us.

3) Allow Extra Time To Avoid Being Late IMG_1975

One of the most stressful feelings is leaving your house knowing that there is no way you will get where you are going on time. It’s that sweaty, heart racing feeling that your child may be late for an important rehearsal or practice, but there is really NOTHING you can do about it and as the parent is it COMPLETELY your fault. We can blame the kids for not being ready or for not having their bags packed, but as the adults it all falls back on us. Make sure the kids pack up their bags the night before and put them by the door. Get up earlier if you must to make sure you can leave a few minutes early.

If you are like me, then you are probably used to being right on time. I am usually not early, but I am usually on time. The problem is, if you don’t allow extra time, then traffic can wreak havoc on an otherwise well planned day. It certainly can’t hurt for your child to get to practice early. It eases stress for everyone in the car.

4) Make Time For Yourself

I know personally that it is tough for me to get up and I’m immediately plunged into “mom mode.” Two mornings a week I have to leave home at 6:15 a.m. to drive 40 minutes to drop my son off at school in another county, turn around and drive back to drop off my daughter. Then I race to work to work eight hours in my “office job.” Then it’s straight back to “mom mode” with piano lessons and basketball games and soccer games and choral performances and homework and dinner and showers. Then the kids go to bed and I shift into “wife mode” when I try to connect with my husband. Did you see what was missing?

If I went seven days a week without any “me time” then I would go absolutely insane! Because of this, it is imperative that you find some time for yourself. Whether it’s working out or reading or meeting friends for drinks. Carving out time for yourself can feel selfish, but as a working mother it is important for survival. I’m so thankful that I have a husband who understands that. He recently sent a group of my girlfriends and me to the beach for the weekend as part of my birthday present. I came back from that weekend renewed and ready to get back into the swing of my chaotic schedule.

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So lean on your friends (and even ask for help if needed), schedule religiously, add time to give yourself a buffer when going somewhere, and look out for yourself every once in a while. Working mothers juggle a ton of balls at once (especially in a blended family), so you have to find out what works for you because a happy mom makes for a happy family!

 

Shake It Off…

With four kids between the ages of 11 and 15, we hear a lot of “he said/she said” drama. In the day of Instagram and Facebook and SnapChat, our kids are constantly looking for ways to embarrass each other (and me). I always have to be on my game because at any given time one of them may snap a pic of me to send to 10 of their friends just to be funny. I’ve gotten so good at turning away quickly that there are probably millions of pictures floating around in the internet cloud of “deleted SnapChat pics” (sure… they just disappear into thin air, never to be seen again…) that look just like this:

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This need for kids to embarrass others is a common theme that we see throughout adolescence. A girl may be upset that the boy she likes doesn’t like her… but likes one of her friends. She then goes to their other friends and tells lies and ugly secrets about that friend to get the other girls not to like her and in hopes that the boy will hear the gossip and not like her too. I could give about twenty-five examples from my own childhood of that scenario playing out play by play. The friend who the boy liked gets rejected and ridiculed by all of the girls for no reason whatsoever except that she was unfortunate enough to be liked by the wrong boy.

My favorite thing to tell our kids when I hear about this kind of situation is “SHAKE IT OFF.” I can turn on the Taylor Swift song below and we can dance until we forget what was upsetting.

That seems to work for them (for now) although I realize that as the girls get into their teens it will be a lot more hurtful and harder to move past. The alienation that can happen with teenaged girls can be devastating. I have a couple of friends who still talk about that alienation and how it affected them for years.

Yesterday I heard some gossip about me that was absolute lies. I called one of my best friends who is the best sounding board of reason that I know and I said, “I know I shouldn’t care, but I am so upset that a lot of people may hear this and it is just so far from the truth! What if people believe it and don’t like me??” She said, “If you know in your heart that you have done nothing wrong, then you have to move on. If you did do something wrong, then you have to own it and apologize and then move on.” She added that real friends will talk to me before coming to any conclusions. While I know that is true, why is it so hard to swallow?

How can we teach our children to move on after having their feelings hurt when it’s almost impossible to do as an adult??? Even when we know in our hearts that we have done nothing wrong?

I saw this on another friend’s Facebook page this morning and I knew I had to include it:

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The whole world would be a better place if we all truly tried to get along rather than hold grudges and try to make others look bad. It’s not healthy for anyone to be in a war. If you know in your heart that you are saying things that are true and right and just, then you are on the right path. As Shel Silverstein said above, when we are all happy and silly and love each other, then EVERYONE WINS.

My favorite Bible verse says,

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:8

My goal is to shake off the gossip and focus on my amazing family. I have a husband who is not perfect, but he is perfect for me and I love him with all of my heart. I’m so proud of the communication we share and the dedication he shows to our relationship and to our family. There is not doubt we will have the best time growing old together. Most importantly, I am proud of the Christian man he is and what a good role model and father he is to our kids. We have four funny, beautiful, smart kids who make us so proud every single day. I have some of the best friends a girl could ask for who know that I would never be malicious and unkind. I have the most supportive and loving family who is always behind me 100%.

The next time my girls come to me about unkind words being said about them, I am going to encourage them to think of all of the excellent and praiseworthy things in their lives. Make a list if they need to, and pray over everything on the list. When we focus on what we have to be thankful for, then everything else is petty and insignificant.

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Triangle Style Magazine – Best Hometown Blogs

I am honored to be able to share that my blog has been featured in the newest Fall Edition of Triangle Style Magazine as one of the BEST LOCAL BLOGS!

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Triangle Style is a great magazine, so go find one today and check out my excerpt.  Thank you to Triangle Style for including me! This accolade has encouraged me to branch out a little and blog about more than just parenting issues… I am working on one right now about some of my favorite restaurants!

Click on HERE to read Triangle Style Magazine or you can click on the pics below to see the specific pages where I am mentioned. Thank you all for your support!!!!! Val

TS2  TS3